Strange days. there is a strong sense of worlds beneath and within worlds for me currently. The feminine planet of love and relationships, values and deeper connection and empathy Venus turned backwards or retrograde on Saturday in the opposite sign of Mars ruled Aries and so there are issues going on of individual desires and how they affect our ability to be in relationship or those with whom we are in relationship. As Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh says we must inter-be. No man is an island. We are all connected all interdependent. A legacy of child hood trauma, hurt and pain though is that we can become counter or anti dependent, relationships hurts us too much so we draw back or huge feelings are triggered in present relationships an undertow or wave of repressed feeling that may shock ourselves and others. This is what I am feeling at the moment in relation to these questions. Do I move house from a place where my soul feels at home just to have less to do or a warmer home in the cold of winter? Can I see that what I sacrifice may be necessary to get something that may suit me more? Or when I choose that other path will I see I missed some things of such importance and now feel I am making a mistake? Factored in with all of this is that moving means my Mum will be helping me financially and this is a stress for her but she is happy to do it, I just feel it would be better at this stage to be independent and not causing her stress. I feel the love though in her wanting to help me if she can but will that be the right kind of help? So many questions.
In the midst of this today when I was feeling confused, a bit helpless and alone I just heard a very strong inner voice. It said these words to me “I am here with you. Everything is going to be okay. You are not alone.” I see that for so many years although I felt alone I really was not, I was carrying the legacy of old feelings of being alone in my emotional reality and separated from that inner source of love and care. As I was struggling with my decision today I just was overcome with a deep level of compassion for the entire human race. Living and making decisions is not always easy. Sometimes we don’t see the wood for the trees or the trees for the wood. Much of it is a matter of perspective or perception, where do we choose to place our attention? With what containing texture of thinking an openness or closedness to feeling do we approach issues? Do we see things as a deliberate attack on us or can we see that there are other factors involved that we do not see at the time because they are not immediately clear to our field of vision? In what state of mind do we make choices and react?
I am beginning to see the living well seems to involve an openness and a sensitivity to things. And its important to see that our idea of how things will be and how they will work out is always open to change, things often don’t work out as we imagined and I am very aware of this myself having made so many decisions in my past life that had difficult consequences. I guess the greatest comfort to me at present lies in knowing that whatever does happen everything will be okay. I am not alone. I see the love that has been there though not often expressed in the way I could feel it. I also see when I shut the door on love due to being too stuck in my own limited mindset, existing in state of being scared of being overwhelmed when really there was no danger there at all because love was trying to open its arms to me. I feel very grateful to see all of this. I keep hearing that voice over and over saying to me “Deborah, you are not alone.” It is a great comfort.