These mornings I am awakening with a feeling of deep, deep love as well as a feeling of deep surrender and peace. I am aware of a deep, deep grief too and it is so hard to find words for these oceanic feelings that seem to be surrounding me of late. Neptune as an archetypal influence rules the sign of Pisces in which we find ourselves now and it also rules the ocean of feeling that at times has depths that pull on us and our conscious mind. And currently the Sun in Pisces is meeting Neptune there.
We may fear the tidal pull of something that lies beyond the ego and we feel may inundate us. And then there is also the larger life that surrounds us and lives beyond the ego’s parameters that may be wanting to enter us. When we are awake and alive with ourselves we are not so guarded or defended against witnessing and experiencing this greater awe and mystery. When we have been hurt by being inundated in painful ways we are more often wary or shut down by pain or defences and its harder to open and trust. We feel on an unconscious level that we are living behind a wall and have an awareness of something on the other side but we cannot touch it. And then some cracks begin to appear in our healing and feelings seep through.
And then there are those of us with a mystic sensibility we are perhaps connected to the deeper love and deeper mystery in ways that others often don’t understand. We may cry, for example when we witness great beauty or our own pain is touched by seeing something that triggers us.
This morning when I woke gently and looked around my room at all the beauty there, the armchair in the corner with embroidered cushions, my print of Chagall’s Lovers that came to me in the 80s when I visited an exhibition of his work while in London, the colourful scarves, my old wooden blinds through which soft dappled sunlight fell I felt so surrounded in love. The hurt and pain and twisting in my body has stopped over the past week or so. I have felt myself falling into myself and opening up in new ways. The prospect of looking for a new home has made me value the one I have even more. And I feel totally supported in myself and open to a stream of consciousness that is the soul that wants to move through me. I cannot help but feel grateful. Maybe these feelings will pass after the Sun moves away from Neptune, I don’t know. I am just grateful today to be feeling this way. After all the loss, all the pain, all the endings I see how in holding on I made things harder but that that too was all part of the process. For today I just want to bathe in this ocean of peace and the love I feel that surrounds me and rest within it.