Turning back to face myself

Child 2.jpg

I have been reflecting on my experience today in yoga class of my inner child looking this way and that, towards others, hoping to be seen and then of the sad feeling that came when there was really no one to connect to from my deep feelings.  I became aware of a pattern of looking outward when I needed to turn my gaze back within.   I had the revelation in the active imagination today that I need to turn the child’s face back towards me, the adult.  I am no longer a child but the inner child in me can often be abandoned by that inner adult the one whose true responsibility it is to take care of this inner child.

I am aware that after some years of becoming more and more conscious of my anger towards my mother for what I didn’t get I am now moving past that anger to the grief that was underneath it.  I could not really feel the true grief if I was always reacting in anger towards the person who due to her own limits could not give to me what I needed. I  can see that my Mum gets really annoyed when I try to point out any grief about certain things.  We had a huge fight five or so years ago about it and I swore at her.  She told me to leave her house and so I drove for four hours through the night to the next major town and slept in my car, I was homeless as my ex had just broken off the relationship a few weeks before while I was visiting my Mum.  I had no home to  go to, and this all happened on the anniversary of my father’s death, it was extremely traumatic.  I couldn’t go back to my mother’s place for some months, until things became badly unstuck in the town.  I was engaged in a fruitless battle with my Mum for recognition and attention of my emotions.  Now that I have a good therapist that recognition has come, and my therapist has made clear to me that while she can support me, it is up to me to feel my feelings, she consistently affirms that my feelings make sense, even though often I have been told they don’t.

I was not sure for so many years of how I was using various addictions to run from these feelings and due to my difficulty with making sense of feelings.  When I attend any AA meetings (and this is rarer these days) I often hear others share how much difficulty they have in feeling and staying with painful feelings.  Often they judge themselves for natural feelings, or substitute certain feelings for other primary feelings.  Today I feel I am making progress.  I am really making progress in being a better mother to myself and understanding that I do have the power to contain my own feelings and make sense of them..

Today when I realised I needed to turn back towards myself I think I made a big step forward in my recovery.  I am also recognising I feel less painful symptoms in my body when I find a home there for myself in which I can be fully alive to and receptive towards all my feelings and meet them in a tender way and allow them to diffuse instead of build, escalate and magnify.  With the capacity to tolerate difficult emotions, the capacity to experience the positive ones increases too and I start to feel a real sense of homecoming and peace.  This for me is what emotional recovery means.

 

 

15 thoughts on “Turning back to face myself

  1. It took me nearly 18 years of sobriety before I had the pieces in place to actually grasp and act on the idea of being totally present with my negative feelings. Prior to this year my practice included just letting them go or using activity and “adult responsibilities to distract me

      1. Yes, not sure painful is quite right or even scary, it’s like trying to describe them in an unknown language-emerging on the other side is exquisite

  2. This is good. I do believe connecting with our feelings, without judgement, is the key to our healing. Knowing this and actually feeling this, however, can be two totally different things. Keep up the good work:)

    1. True feelings cannot be thought though after we feel them we can think them through. This is something I am learning. So good to hear from you. ❤

  3. I stumbled on this blog looking for “saturn return” “CPTSD” and “borderline” resources. I’m entering my Saturn Return this Dec and it has brought me to my fucking knees. I’ve always been a very sensitive, spiritual soul and I’ve cared about the pain of the world…I was always searching for healing and connection to source…and eventually I ended up in school in Massachusetts, where I learned all about trauma. I also dove deeply into transpersonal therapy which quite violently tore off my blinders and revealed my attachment trauma to me in a big way. It got so stressful that I had to move back home, which is a place I’ve struggled to leave. Dependency on my mother and grandparents emotionally, financially, and physically has persisted throughout my 28 years of life. But, this time, I came home and fully understood that they had invalidated and neglected me and failed to protect me from other insidious abuse and from life itself…not only that, but they failed to teach me to be independent because of their own traumas. I’ve been battling violently against this, trying to piece myself back together while being overtaken by these emotions, guilt, self-hate, emptiness, hopelessness, suicidality and reexperinecing over and over rejection of these parts of myself. I’m doing the shadow work of an entire family, and I’m their scapegoat. I’ve tried to run away multiple times but never quite have the resources to fully sustain myself one way or another. The connection keeps pulling me back in…the enmeshment that you talk about. I need help, guidance, support, solace…what do I do with all of this? How do I move through things that are so unbearable that I have to run from them?

    1. Hi a.j.k. I just saw this. You have pretty much summed up my entire struggle and life in this comment. I am working through exactly the same issues and would love to be in touch with you. I am beginning to feel that Saturn contacts are family karma we can NEVER fully escape but must do very hard work to become aware of. And perhaps our struggle is an evolutionary step forward for the collective, so don’t let your ego demonise you like it is.. Our ego which is affected by modern heroic ego ideals doesn’t encompass what may be a far deeper journey that has collective aspects that can never be fully personalised.

      I would love to be in touch with you over email, if you wish. I don’t know if I can help but I am a listening ear for what you are going through and I have a good grasp of astrology. Can I ask if you have Saturn contacts to your personal planets? Also what house your Saturn is in? Have you ever heard of the astrologer Erin Sullivan I feel she may be someone who may be able to help? But I too would be happy to be touch over email if you would like. My contact is deborahallin@hotmail.com. Love Deborah

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