I want to stay true to myself. I want to value who I am. I see that at times I don’t do this, in fact I don’t do it enough. I feel that if I express a truth I should not have expressed that truth. I didn’t do anything wrong but self doubt plagues me. It is now time to let self doubt go and know that who I am is okay. I had a moment this morning when I drove myself a bit insane in the garden. I felt overwhelmed by all that there was to do and then things looked all bad. I came in and chased Jasper around the house in a mock chase attack, all in good fun but he got a bit freaked out and then I found burrs in his fur and thought of how I had been a neglectful puppy parent. Yes, I am aware this is not coming from a sane space. I have driven myself out of my mind by feeling that everything is not alright. At one point I was finding it hard to breathe and had to sit down on the chair. Why give myself such a difficult time? At that time I had stopped I flashed back to a childhood in which my Mum went into a frenzy. There was a feeling I needed to run and hide just like little Jasper. or get far away! I think that kind of past anxiety can stay trapped in the body and psyche and then later work its way out. This what I felt as I lay down on the deck under my beautiful tulip tree and just let my body shake it off and rest.
Later this AA slogan came to me Easy Does It. Things are manageable in my life if I just take it calmly and nurture positive, affirming thoughts instead of stirring up trouble with restlessness, anxious ones. The way I go through life all depends on the way in which I respond. Being responsible to me is not so important as being respondable! Able to respond in a calm healthy way. When I am not responding in this way its clearer and clearer to me that something from the past has been or is being triggered. I need to then turn my attention deep within myself and my inner life and try to get an idea of what might be going on and practice some self soothing strategies. Instead of becoming a nuclear reactor!
The truth is that in my life now I have mainly positive people and positive experiences. I have moved through the healing from narcissistic abuse and explored a lot of the pain of my past. I now feel I am on the brink of a new way of living in which thinking, feeling and responding to life does not have to be ruled by old patterns of fear or disaster. At times I am aware that I have an emergency mentality. I fear things going wrong because so much has gone wrong in the past. And yet if I employ the wisdom of paradox and paraphrase one of my favourite lines from a song by Seal “sometimes we get things wrong to get things right” all of those painful things have helped me to understand and to grow more so on some level they have been gifts, on some level the dark night of the soul I have gone through over the past 15 years has been a birthing place of wisdom and peace. Most of the time there is love in my heart. I just have to be aware of when I am not valuing myself for who I really am in all my messy imperfection. I need to bear in mind that I like everyone else am a work in progress, perfectly okay in this precious moment when I touch base with peace and pull away from fear driven thoughts of lack.