I find accepting help so hard at times. When I think of being helped I start to get so emotional. I am very emotional about going to see this townhouse tomorrow with my Mum. There are so many associations around moves that were painful for me when we were young. When we moved from our first little house when I was only 3 apparently I cried and cried for days and days. Apparently I wandered around the house with my security blanket very upset.
Then there was the move we made at 7 from that house where I had made friends with the next door neighbours and that helped to ease the loneliness of coming home to a house without parents at home. I was able to go play with the Roys and their mother was there, but when we moved suddenly Mum and Dad and I were living in this huge house under construction with no friends close by. The builder had gone bust and Dad decided since he was in a crisis with work that he would start to do building with my brother. My older sister got sent to stay with Nana at her cosy house. I was on a stretche bed on the cold concrete floor with no carpet in the dead of a very cold Canberra winter in my parent’s room.
I was never fully comfortable in that house and it turns out that Mum wasn’t happy to be moving their either, I only found this out when I was talking that time and move through with her just over a year ago. She never wanted to moved from a cosy comfortable house to this monstrosity of a place under construction and in the end so much tragedy happened in that house which was a number 88. I was often alone there after school and it was the house my father left for hospital never to see again on that early Christmas morning in 1984.
Its a case of weird synchronicity that when I moved into the current house that I own it was owned by a couple with an only child. Their daughter was the same age as I was (7) when we left the Endeavour Street house. They told me when I came to meet with them after the auction that their little daughter, Mia had been clinging onto the walls crying when she found out the house had been sold and they were going to move. The move didn’t turn out well for them in the end due to a number of factors.
Thinking about all of these associations to home I am also thinking of the issues of Pluto and change. At this time of year we had a Solar Eclipse New Moon at 7 Pisces just opposite to my Pluto in the first house. Pluto in the first house can signify a person who is fated to go through a lot of changes, death and endings in identity. The idea of new beginnings (first house) can be traumatic for us. I was noticing today that the mere thought of moving was stirring up so much anxiety and emotion for me. But maybe this is not really a bad sign, maybe sometimes anxiety is a sign of new life energy trying to take up a residence in our body, if we resist the change out of fear we may make things difficult for ourselves.
I just had a very comforting chat with the real estate agent who is selling the town house I am interested in. He was being encouraging but not pushy, he has seen the house I am in and knows its a bit too much for me alone, much as I wish I had support from a loved one or partner to make it special I just don’t. Could it be that my higher power is actually wanting me to make this new change? Will resistance to this kind of change and transformation that Pluto brings be the cause of more suffering? Could it be that really the universe is trying to support me by offering me this opportunity? These are just some of the thoughts I was exploring with my therapist yesterday. As we were sitting in session I told her that as we speaking I had just had a vison of the Goddess and an open door and she said to me “Trust me, Deborah, take my hand and step through the door.” My therapist smiled and said to me “Deborah, you know what, I just prayed to the Goddess for you.” She has never mentioned this kind of thing before.
The thought of moving does bring sadness and I am aware of how in the past the fear of being sad or losing things has held me back from the brink of good changes. Loss is part of endings and new beginnings, I guess in the end we need the faith to know that we are strong enough to grieve and shed what needs to be let go and that sunshine and light waits on the other side if we just open our hearts and minds and take a leap of faith and trust.