If you had narcissistic parents.

It may be difficult to know if you had narcissistic parents.  They may have given some things to you but the truth is that in the end it was their needs and wishes and agenda that dominated, never yours.  As a child you had to take a backseat to what ever was going down.   If trauma and tragedy then entered the picture due to older siblings trying to live up to the narcissistic dream then its a double whammy.  Just as you should have been in a position to try to get your own life in order all of this heavy duty shit was going down and so you tried to find ways to cope with the pain that was not even fully conscious by that stage because you were medicating it with booze or drugs.

Boyfriends then entered the picture but since you were conditioned not to need too much or recognise what those needs were you again put the needs on the back seat.  You tried to revolve around the new boyfriend who admired the lifestyle of your parents.  You were never quiet sure that it was you that they wanted or needed since you were never really sure of what it felt like and then to complicate matters there was your parents need for you to be there to be for them and be their mirror.  At 14 when your sister left home you were so lonely that you asked to go to boarding school.  “No”, your father said “I couldn’t miss you”.  WHHAAAAATTT?  At boarding school people would have been there not absent all the time.  You then wanted a horse.  No that would be too much trouble for them to take time out to drive you there.  You wanted a dog.  No again, you wouldn’t know how to take care of it.  Looking back now you see the dog would have been left alone.  Later they said yes as they were worn out with you asking,  the dog ended up being hit by a car and had to be given away and that was painful. A few years later it was you who ended up crushed up in a car wrapped around a telegraph pole because on a Friday night you chose to go stay with a friend and not come home to a lonely house as you mother worked 6 and a half days a week not because she needed to but because she loved fashion and driving to work in a Porsche.

A short while later the older sister who left home when you were only 3 who took you for family holidays finally got a massive bleed. You sat every night by the TV filling up a mug from the wine cask on the fridge, drugs entered then and you then tried to get away from home, from the hurt and the pain but by then the hurt and the pain was all inside of you so deep inside and the drugs and alcohol only worked for a time, enough years though to create more wreckage and more wasted life.

Finally knowing something is wrong, you end up on the doors of AA.  There you sit in a room with hundreds of other abandoned children and swallow the information about being ‘beyond human aid’ and filled with ‘defects of character’.  Yes but are you defective : a mechanism that is broken or a soul filled with a lot of wound stuff.  It takes some time to know the truth goes far deeper than slogans or platitudes and the steps do help but only once the recognition dawns of the myriad of ways you learned to turn against yourself, to silence the truth and to become someone you are not.  Its going to be some journey to find who you really are and now you will have to take responsibility because that is what you always do.

Can you finally bear to know that due to emotionally disconnected or unavailable parents you got disconnected from your own emotions and needs and so turned to surrogates, substitutes and substances.  Can you find you way back to the part inside that felt as it did as a young child, so helpless and alone and in a barren place and yet know that the one inside was really a whole being in need of support and help to grow?  Can you finally leave the barren wasteland of not enough and can you bear not to forgive too soon if in forgiving too soon you continue to make yourself bad or wrong and persist in illusions?   Can you bear to want and need what you truly want and need even though in the past such wanting and needing only led to hurt?  Perhaps, finally the answer is yes!

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