Confusion, a confluence of fusion. Feeling myself to have dissolved or not to have acted in ways for my own benefit due to a hunger deep inside, questioning my own narcissistic wound, questioning how appropriate it is to need and long, trying always to be careful not to demand too much, knowing that others suffer too and need and long perhaps in different ways and that at times our needs and longings and frustrations rub up against one another, so be careful not to demand too much in negative ways. Seeing how I have In the past loaded past pain on current triggers. Seeing things I think will make my life easier, knowing that sometimes though that comes with a huge price tag. “We thought that we could find an easier softer way, but we could not…” words from the Big Book of AA that ring in my ears. So the thoughts swing round and round in my mind and this morning I get them onto the page and out of my head so I can be more fully present for my day. Phew!!!
I am aware that we are in Pisces time at present and we just had a Solar Eclipse and as big New Moons these are portals of change that open the window into a huge underground world of unconscious motivations which swim in the opposite way to conscious intentions. In the sign of Pisces we see two fish swimming in different directions. I am not a Pisces but my planet of wounding and healing is there as it was for those of us born during the 60s and I have strong Neptune energy which is the Lord of the Underworld and makes me extra sensitive, and absorbent on the emotional level. But it can also make me nebulous at times, deeply confused, unsure of which way to turn while at the same time deep inside I DO have the knowing or sense of what is right but sometimes I will not allow myself to know that knowing. This confusion goes back to my primary relationship with my Mother who with Mars in Pisces never says it as it is and doesn’t really honestly connect with her own emotions deeply enough to always be totally honest and ends up doing really confusing things that confuse my own reality. It sucks and is so painful at times.
We had a difficult exchange on the weekend. I have not been entirely happy where I am living its a big old house and my Mum pushed me into it at the auction. I had looked at a new place to buy last week. It was a smaller townhouse, all modern and clean and bright and light with a small garden wrapped around it. I was not sure whether to mention anything about it to my Mum but when I did she offered to help me buy it. I could not believe this as the last time we spoke about repairs to my house she told me. “I don’t have the money to be endlessly helping you.” That would be fair enough if it were true but it isn’t as revealed by her last offer. Ideally as an adult I should be financially supporting. I am managing to support myself most of the time but sometimes Mum gives me a little help. Now she came out of the blue and offered big help and I got confused as what she told me about having no money was not true. I confronted her in a nice way on Sunday. “I don’t get it Mum why say you have no money to help me with repairs to this place and then offer me money if I get a new home.” At that point she tried to back peddle on me and I was so upset I hung up the phone. I was very, very confused. For a start I feel guilty depending on my Mum financially at this stage in my life. I haven’t been able to work since my accident 12 years ago. I was retreating from the world, I had bad PTSD. But more it was that she had said to me in the conversation above just prior to this “I am not going to try to influence your decision in any way.” Confusing?!? You bettcha. She obviously feels the new house is the best option for me and is trying to steer me in that direction.
I now think I will stay here where I am. I need to be self supporting but the house is very old and in winter it is going to be cold. It may have made more sense to move into a new, cosy warmer place and there are huge emotional factors triggered with the prospect of any move. My search for a home has always been fraught as I left home at 23 after my father died and went far away and then my alcoholism played out over many years until I finally got sober at 31. By then I was married and owned my own flat. My husband I tried to move to the UK and find a home but that fell apart. We came back to Australia and bought a home but it wasn’t in the right place or the right country and finally he left and I had to sell that house, while giving him half which was my choice. I then had no home of my own for 7 years. I went back to the coast house my father built as a holiday place and had a breakdown and then got into a relationship with a narcissist with his own wounds and injuries. The relationship was not all bad, and as I see it now we both had wounds and could not support each other due to our wounding. He needed a lot of me due to deficits from his childhood, I was working hard in recovery and therapy to own mine and work on them and I didn’t need to be told all the time how I was failing to meet his needs. And that my needs did not matter as his came first, always.
By this stage I had partially moved in with him and moved a lot of my stuff when he broke it off due to the fact I came back from our travels to be with family I once again had no home and had to go to hostel and then got into a share house with another abuser. It ws rough!!
Now when I feel that my needs don’t really matter it hurts. But I also know my Mum has her own reasons for the things she does. Its just at times I find it so confusing to be in a relationship with her. I often end up ringing back and apologising when I am not really in the wrong. I discussed it with my therapist yesterday and she said I haven’t done anything wrong, just expressed truly how I felt. Nevertheless I had a lot of anxiety and fear about it over the weekend. I imagined myself totally exiled from the family cast into the wilderness as I have been before. I know I have to work hard now to be my own mother. Its better for me to be an adult and not discuss a lot of my decisions with my Mum and the truth is I do need her support for I am not working and yet depending on her makes me vulnerable, she is never consistent or reliable and she was never really there for me as a child, her needs, desires and will always came first. As my therapist pointed out yesterday she can be a bulldozer. I am best to try and make my way independently.
In the meantime I am reminding myself not to get too busy in my head with thinking and thinking. I long for a home that is smaller and more contained than the one I am in. This is perhaps a reflection for me of things that go far deeper on an emotional level about the home I long for and am slowly beginning to build inside me. I know on some level I am okay but all the stress this week has made my body feel so strange. I am aware that one fish is swimming one way on the surface searching for its home, the other fish deep within the swims underneath contains all the memories and imprints and associations of times past that now are sometimes present. I need to go gently now and take good care of me with all of this in mind. Spend some time in nature and doing good things to take care of my body instead of eating too many sweet things, which can happen when I feel emotionally upset. I know I have all I need inside, but I also know that as a vulnerable human being I have needs that also need to be met from outside but depending can be fraught with much anxiety for me.