How safe do you feel depending on other people? How easy is it for you to ask for support? Do you just assume it will be an inconvenience? I came across some information about schemas a few years ago when I was in a relationship with a narcissist. I cant remember the name of the book but it explained how our own abandonment trauma develops a schema or mindset which means we can magnetise those towards us who replay our abandonment trauma and that we expect it or we don’t expect to be able to depend and so erect defences.
The abandonment I am talking about is not so much about being left but being abandoned on an emotional level, being told we feel too much, need too much, express too much, are too much, should not have needs, not have feelings or be ashamed if we do. We then develop this kind of mindset which becomes unconscious and attract to us re-enactments which if you think about it are opportunities to wake up to what is going on.
The situation is complicated by the fact that now as adults we have an abandoned little one inside who never fully got to express the true enormity of her or his feelings, thoughts, responses and needs. We carry that one into relationships and play out the dynamic. We then get a slap from the other person, surely we should not be like this and we should change but we cannot really change until we integrate within the feelings of that child from so long ago that had to be buried. We require a relationship between the abandoned child of the past and our loving adult that is not mediated by the inner critic that got stuck in the middle or the outer critic projected by others who also had a shamed or repressed inner child they now re-enact with us.
We need someone who will help us with this because if we were emotionally abandoned as emotional sensitives we won’t really be in a position to fully understand what is going on and re-champion our inner child alone at first. We need a good therapist or friend or buddy in recovery who can be a healthy model for us, someone who has a handle on their own inner or outer critic or a deeper insight into how this part of us functioned to protect us from hostility from parents or other caregivers to our true emotional needs and feelings and until we heal we will tend to magnetise that hostility from the outside due to the old pattern or schema.
Reparenting our inner child, coming to value and understand all of his or her values, needs, feelings, sensitivities, responses and reactions is so important to healing as is learning to respond from within from an adult rather than a regressed place, coming to understand why and how we regress also is essential work and awareness we need to solidify on the way to healing. Fear of depending often came from the fact that we truly could not count on anyone in our childhood to be there for us emotionally. If we were further shamed for needing by those who had to repress their own needs we will never have come to develop a trust that we could need or ask for help, or trust, or depend on anyone in any way. Despite this it is my experience that there are rare people out there we can depend upon. Learning that we are worth this is a bigger journey. And much conditioning may need to be undone before we can come to believe that we can depend and have solid ground to stand on if in the past all we knew were shifting sands.