So many of us with complex trauma have known such sadness and pain, we have known what it may be to be abandoned, shamed, left alone, invalidated, abused or betrayed and at times these bad experiences tend to capture the entirety of our minds, hearts and souls, at least until we work through them.
Then the time comes when we need to focus on the good, when we realise that even though we have known nasty, hurtful people that there are in fact a lot of beautiful people out there who we can connect to, those who won’t shame us, those that will listen, those that will treat us with the respect, empathy and courtesy that we deserve. And most of all when we learn to meet ourselves in a deeply wounded place and give those qualities and love to our inner self who has suffered so, we are more likely to meet that same kind of acceptance and love in the outside world. We will no longer be attracted to hurt and pain. We just wont want to live in that wounded and wounding place any more.
One terrible impact of being wounded, betrayed or hurt is that we retreat entirely into our shells. And this is a necessary stage of the process for us who are coming out of unconscious pain and suffering. But if we have to go there entirely alone it can be a deeply dark wilderness place where we are finally left alone after a huge battle with shards of spears and other detris from being wounded kicking around inside of us almost driving us mad with the pain. Without a place to feel this pain deeply in a way that we can release it without being endlessly re-wounded by it over and over again we can get stuck and without people to help us sooth and ease the pain we also get stuck. We may get stuck in negative thoughts and then project this unconscious fear and pain onto those outside who may actually be nothing like our original abusers. If our pain totally swallows us it can and does drown out the good and the healing that wants to come our way.
Its a fine line between containing our pain and transforming it and letting it replay over and over again. There comes the time when we need to surrender on some level in order to release what needs to be let go and to find a deeper acceptance. Words cannot fathom or express in this kind of post the depth and enormity of this process. At some point even though we don’t like what has happened to us, which has been so unfair we DO have to accept it happened and face it instead of endlessly fighting. We need to meet ourselves in that wounded place and our loving attention or the loving attention of others will be the balm that heals and sooths us in that place. We can then fully recognise the enormity of what we have suffered and survived and we may be overcome with awe for the part of us that made it through even though at times we have felt like everything inside us was shattered or broken in time we see the scattered pieces can be reassembled into a gorgeous mosaic.
In telling our story, in expressing our pain we make meaning of our suffering. In being heard fully and affirmed we transform our relationship to what wounded us. We embrace the enormity of the journey and lay down new seeds inside us which in time do have the capacity to birth beautiful flowers. Flowers that grew from the compost of our past pain and suffering and the wisdom they birthed within us, seeds watered by the healing of our own tears and trauma that perhaps had some deeper purpose beyond what we could ever see or know.