I had to take a day or two off from Word Press after the pain of late last week. I had to do some deep soul searching and want I found is that like many humans I have some deep wounds inside myself that I carry. When those wounds trigger others wounds and nasty words are said there is a toxic aftermath that goes on in my body, almost like fighting off an infection and its not just a metaphorical reality it really happens kicking around inside of me and making me feel like I have a low grade flu.
In any case there is a chance I actually have had an infection in one of my teeth for some time. Just before my breast cancer surgery in March last year, I broke the veneer off one of the teeth on the bridge which is four teeth wide and covers the space where I lost one and a half teeth in my accident in 1979. I have needed two reconstructions on the bridge one in 1998 and on in 2010. Now I have been informed I will most likely only be possibly able to sustain a bridge for up to 5 years. Its either implants after that or a denture. And I am not having implants due to major PTSD from a head trauma of 2005 which still means I never sleep through the night but often wake up 2 to 4 times during the night. I am just not up for it.
On Monday I go in to have an infection in one of the teeth cleared out and a temporary bridge fitted. I am a bit apprehensive but not as fearful as I was going into major dental work about 5 and then 3 years ago. I am no longer avoiding as much as I do and I am facing up to my PTSD and fears. And despite that apprehension there has been the deeper pain over the clash I had with a fellow blogger which just made me very, very sad over the weekend.
I know by now the best thing to do is to take care of myself when I am hurting. I am sure the other person was hurting too. I tried to make my amends by email and it wasn’t responded to which I am fine about. Taking a 10th step inventory I apologised for my part but discussing it all with my therapist yesterday she said that a lot of the nasty things said to me were not fair or even true. It was very much like when my ex partner and I broke up around this time of year 6 years ago. Painful things were said to me when he devalued and then discarded me. There was no possibility of repair and that as my therapist said does tend to leave a person in a frustrated place.
I have been grieving and then letting myself just be low to ground so I am moving through it. Today my dog Jasper perhaps sensing I needed a break didn’t come to the car when we were due to go to the park, instead he gratefully let me go out alone and so I went and got a lovely cup of coffee and sat under the big old trees in my local neighbourhood shops and drank it, after that I went out to lunch and then bought myself two books, one a novel and the second a poetry anthology of poems to ease stress. I was so soothed by the first two poems I read in it today that I then sat down and wrote 3 poems myself.
This latest set back which happened at a time when I was really starting to feel happy and supported by others, did make me feel suicidal for a few days but I have come through it now. I am grateful that over the past two days I have been able not to be so inwardly self critical. I am seeing how criticism from others perhaps mirrors inner self criticism and it seems to me that in this social media focused world we currently find ourselves in there is just SO MUCH CRITICISM on any day. To be honest I am jack of it. I see how the critic can hurt and wound, how it is never satisfied and often doesn’t see things realistically anyway one of my favourite quotes is by Oscar Wilde and it says
A critic is someone who knows the cost of everything
And the value of nothing
Focus on inwardly or outwardly directed criticism costs too much and it forgets what is good and has value with its endless focus on the negative, seeing the glass as half empty instead of half full. It goes along with a perfectionistic mindset that does not allow any tenderness or mercy for humanity, foibles, mistakes, error or wounds or anything else outside of its black/white view. Getting a handle on how and why it operates in this way is essential for all of us but most especially for those of us who suffer from Complex PTSD.
This afternoon I am off to do some reading again and take a gentle time at home alone. I need to practice tenderness, love and kindness in every moment at the moment.