Conflicts lead me to question myself deeply. I am aware that with a strong Saturn defence against emotions that my relationships have not been easy. I am beginning to see how fear has dogged them, that and mistrust which all relates back to essential losses, abandonment and lack of people being there when I needed them which then can make the outer critic stronger. It is something my ex husband tried to point out to me at the end of my marriage. Because I fear criticism and abandonment, sometimes I can criticise first so that I wont be hurt, but in the end that drives love away.
At the same time I know I must also remember that I do have good qualities. What I do that hurts others can often come out of unconsciousness, intense sensitivity and fear. But I am beginning to see that resistance to being there and trusting others in an open hearted way is a central defect of character and I need some help to work on it.
Its is confronting to expose my weaknesses and vulnerabilities in a blog such as this one. I am grateful to those followers who stand by me and with every like help me to over com the deep shame I can carry at times. I am interested in reading Pete Walker’s book on Complex PTSD again this weekend to hear that shame is actually blame from childhood turned inwards. The inner critic replaces the outer critic and it shames us from within. Pete says we actually need to put the blame back where it belongs with early caregivers who shamed us or neglected us. But we have to be careful not to transfer it onto new situations for in doing so we block love and if we don’t embrace our fearful expectations and fears of danger with full consciousness we can remain in prison emotionally which is a very, very painful place to be.