When resistance against control and shame imprisons us

Conflicts lead me to question myself deeply.   I am aware that with a strong Saturn defence against emotions that my relationships have not been easy.  I am beginning to see how fear has dogged them, that and mistrust which all relates back to essential losses, abandonment and lack of people being there when I needed them which then can make the outer critic stronger.  It is something my ex husband tried to point out to me at the end of my marriage.  Because I fear criticism and abandonment, sometimes I can criticise first so that I wont be hurt, but in the end that drives love away.

At the same time I know I must also remember that I do have good qualities.  What I do that hurts others can often come out of unconsciousness, intense sensitivity and fear.  But I am beginning to see that resistance to being there and trusting others in an open hearted way is a central defect of character and I need some help to work on it.

Its is confronting to expose my weaknesses and vulnerabilities in a blog such as this one.   I am grateful to those followers who stand by me and with every like help me to over com the deep shame I can carry at times.  I am interested in reading Pete Walker’s book on Complex PTSD again this weekend to hear that shame is actually blame from childhood turned inwards.  The inner critic replaces the outer critic and it shames us from within.  Pete says we actually need to put the blame back where it belongs with early caregivers who shamed us or neglected us.  But we have to be careful not to transfer it onto new situations for in doing so we block love and if we don’t embrace our fearful expectations and fears of danger with full consciousness we can remain in prison emotionally which is a very, very painful place to be.


Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

Categories Abandoment Trauma, Complex PTSD, Emotional Awareness, Emotional Neglect, Emotional Recovery, Fear, Healing Trauma, Inner Critic, Outer Critic, Self Awareness, ShameLeave a comment

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