I woke up wondering and worrying about this question this morning. As you may know if you follow my blog one of my followers accused me of being passive aggressive in a post I wrote. I have shared the entire conflict with my therapist and she says I was being attacked psychologically due to a mix up in communication. The person concerned claimed her attack was a defence against some thing I implied in my blog and that is understandable as in some way I misread her feelings according to her but my deep feeling is that she felt more vulnerable that she could or would admit.
I don’t want to attack or accuse others of things just because I am upset with them but I know I can do it. It comes out of a mistaken perception that something they or I did was ‘wrong’ when often it wasn’t ‘wrong’ at all just an outgrowth of our different styles of being and ways of expressing or asserting ourselves and when I get astrological about this latest conflict with Mars in Aries so strong the way we project and assert is due to a number of factors. My self assertive instincts are confused at times and limited by a heavy aspect from Saturn. From the youngest age I was stomped on for wanting or needing or asserting myself. So from that point of view it may have come to pass that I searched for surreptitious ways to get my needs met and assert myself. I feel uncomfortable when there is attention on me and yet I love it and long for it too and considering it this morning I realised that I associate attention with being in trouble or being punished. So in some way I feel very sad that the conflict over a Happy Birthday post and being promoted ended the way it did, with me denying I wanted the help or support but at the same time something in the way it all happened felt too intense.
At the same time I am very aware due to my Saturn Moon Mars that I don’t ever want to get too big for my boots or get carried away with my ego or come to believe that only I know things or the right way to be or behave. We are all individuals and we all have our own foibles. I get wary of being part of a self congratulation closed feedback loop which cuts off outside realism and groundedness.
All that said I stand by what I wrote in my post a few days ago. I blog less for recognition of myself and more as a form of self therapy and working through issues and conflicts and hoping that in some way I may connect to others doing the same. As a person with a lot of planets in Aquarius and the Sun there in my house of relationships I am more concerned with the way the collective impacts our individual self, wants and needs and how we can in sharing about this learn and grow as individuals who can grow in love wisdom, understanding and connecting to self and others. My North Node and ascendant in individualised Leo can conflict with these impulses at times and I feel that this configuration gave rise to the conflict surrounding my birthday of last week but ideally those two placements in time relate to finding a strong voice and channel for all the Aquarian energy I carry.
Am I passive aggressive? I am still not sure. I am currently reading an excellent book on Narcissism called The Narcissist You Know. Apparently it is usual for narcissists to go on the attack when they perceive a narcissistic injury to themselves and then they use what you have revealed to them to put you down or pull the rug out from under you. Being subject to a comments such as “I don’t spend my entire life sad and jealous” and “I feel sorry for you, you are pathetic, get a life.” are quiet nasty attacks. They hurt but I do understand they came out of a sore spot in someone who felt upset and angry with me for misunderstanding them and then posting the way I felt about it using words that may have hurt them.
Was the accusation of passive aggressiveness fair? I am still not sure. I am going to share about it with a good friend who is very cluey in dynamics as a relationship counsellor this week. I will do some reading on it. As a person with strong Neptune I know I need to be more direct and assertive at times, but at times I am still sorting through the fog of so many things to deal with in both the present day and the past so I need to cut myself some slack.
Life can be confusing and it is very painful to experience friendships that were once supportive and close fall apart and devolve. With the current face off between Uranus in the sign of Self Aries and Jupiter in the sign of relating, mirroring and relationships though these kind of issues and experiences are bound to be highlighted and occur. There is a lot going down to learn and I can always work to become more conscious of how I may hurt others unconsciously and how and why they try to hurt me.