Sorry I couldn’t see things clearly before

I’ve just woken after a very painful night but its been a teaching pain, so in some way I am grateful as astrology is bearing witness to the shadow that a lunar eclipse Full Moon can stir up.

As my readers will know a blogger friend tried to promote me and then wish me a Happy Birthday last week.  May I explain that last week was fraught with a lot of stress I was with my Mum all day in emergency which triggered a lot of my own past.  I stuck it through.  I then had to see the dentist about my broken teeth and make a decision to have my deck renovated, although money is tight and then had two engagements which took a lot out of me.  In the midst of this my friend said she was nominating me for an award and then posted a Happy Birthday post on her blog.  I must say I was stunned.  I didn’t really know this blogger really well and I am wary of friendship due to defences from the past.

In a blog I posted yesterday I was grappling with the insecurity I feel about putting myself first and seeking attention, all Leo themes tied up with my North Node.   I happened to mention in the blog I felt uncomfortable and that obviously came as a surprise to my friend who was not aware. As you will know she has told me that I handled it badly. I was in my therapy session when the messages came through and when she told me she was taking everything down I felt really disappointed and sad.  I cried in the session with my therapist who tried to assure me I hadn’t done anything wrong.  I then came home and cried with Jasper but then started to feel angry.  I was expressing insecurity in the blog and I was angry my friend could not see that and just let me go through the discomfort to get to the otherside of being so far outside my comfort zone.  But because my friend actually cared about my feelings she took it all down.

Anyway as you will know in the end I upset my friend by implying in another blog she had messed up my calm world with her whirlwind.  This was true but it came out of the goodness of her heart.   I am still very conflicted about being promoted for awards.  I have been taught that I should never seek the limelight as to do so is a self centred selfish thing. I think often fame can lead to hubris and I want to keep living close to the earth as a recovering addict I am very wary of becoming too inflated with self importance that I forget what it is in life that really matters.   And so I am at war with my Leo North Node which my friend with the Sun in Leo tried to champion.

This morning I can see more clearly what went down.  Someone was trying to support me and I turned that into some kind of attack, as an introvert this is understandable.  I feel very sad for my self that I had to respond this way, but since full moon lunar eclipses are meant to stir up unconscious shadow issues I am very glad today that despite all the pain and tears this has all come to pass. I am grateful to my blogger friend (who now probably does not consider me a friend) for triggering this and standing up to me in the midst of my confusion and trying to point somethings out about how it impacted her and how she felt.  I just wish she could have understood my vulnerabilities more instead of blasting me with the big guns but that’s a firey thing to do.  I was simply expressing insecurity and a different person would have made me wear it!

She tried to champion me and I felt that support in some way to be too much.  I have, with my Saturn Moon been conditioned to go it alone and today as the Moon opposes it I see that is not a very healthy way to live all the time.  Sadly it is what I am used to but slowly new healthy connections are happening in my life.

Its good to be exposed on line and be strong enough to turn the spotlight back on myself to see my own dark and unconscious places.  What this has shown me is that my self esteem isn’t great and I have a lot of work to do on my healthy narcissism.  For these lessons I am grateful and I wish my friend well in her life and feel truly sorry that she felt so hurt due to the fact of my own insecurity.

Also I was accused of being passive aggressive in my post.

I was merely trying to express how it felt to have my real insecurities acted to from a place where others tried to protect me from them.  That may not have been clear to anyone else.  I hope I will always be humble enough to be open to criticism.

My therapist just said to me.  Deb this could never be solved with words.  Certain words I wrote triggered my friend.  According to Katina the claims of my passive aggression are not fair, I will not admit to something I don’t feel is true.  I will admit at times to not being as direct as I should be due to fear of hurting others though.

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