Things are being revealed to me today. I feel as though I have spent so many years steeped in sadness, a sadness for the life I did not get to fully live as a person of golden light. I got to live under a heavy overcoat of shame and sadness and now I want to throw it off and dance in the sun as the heart centred person I always was but with a certain necessary protective shell that no longer blocks, restricts or weighs me down.
I no longer want to keep the sadness running over and over in my mind and heart, although it has been so real, I am seeing how I block myself and can become my own executioner. I have kept the sadness going by putting the focus on stories that were not true, that I didn’t have worth or anything to give, that I was permanently wounded when really my wounds are just battle scars I now need to celebrate. When I let the sadness flow out it shows my heart is alive and then I can feel the joy that can only enter a heart made empty for a time in the place where only sadness, thwarted longing, darkness and depression lived before.
I watched a post by Spartan Life Coach Richard Grannon on the weekend in which he said a lot of spiritually unhealthy people look to spiritual disciplines like tarot and astrology and conspiracy theories. On one level I got what he was getting at if these are used to fuel a mixed up persecutory mindset. However, I do believe that the forces and powers of the unconscious that I feel and sense as astrological energies are real and speak to me and I can feel the Full Moon of two days time calling to my heart, sounding out its strong Leonine roar in both my heart and thoughts.
Today I met a friend who really validates me and we talked of so many things. I spoke to her of the damage my relationship with my father caused to my self esteem and sense of myself as a woman worthy of love and she got it immediately. I spoke of how my promiscuity and addiction was a way of seeking the love of my father and in all the wrong places. Now I see that pattern I can lay it to rest finally. I am grateful to my friend for today giving me the opportunity to speak of it.
Lately I have been thinking a lot about attention and connection. It was not considered to be a good thing to be an attention seeker, at least it wasn’t when I was growing up. As children we were conditioned to be as little trouble as possible, to only speak when spoken to, to stay behind the roller kitchen door when Mum and Dad were entertaining. I was often left in the car when they went into have fun at the club (and I hated that!!!). And so the lack of attention and thwarting of my need for fun and connection went on playing out its tragic consequences over years. I have mentioned before that growing up we were to do all our chores before we had any fun and there wasn’t a lot of time for kid’s fun with my parents. My older sister provided some of it for a time but then became ill and so I got to equate fun and self expression and self assertion with danger and illness and loss.
Despite this I do remember some of the fun things I loved, riding my board in the waves at the beach, singing, dancing and painting. Over time I learned to only do the dancing when I was drunk on weekends. Actually at a club one night I was approached by a guy to appear as a dancer in a music video so I must not have been a bad dancer.
All this conditioning really was an outfall of what my Mum and Dad’s generation went through born in the 192o with Neptune in Leo. The banished Lion appeared with a roar when Hitler rose to power as the planet Pluto moved into that sign. Hitler was an abused child avenging what he saw as the humiliation of the entire German race at the hands of the powers that be in the Treaty of Versailles following WWI He also resented the Jews who held much of the golden light and I believe he was actually the illegitimate child of one of the wealthy Jews who his mother served as a maid prior to his birth.
From this Leonine perspective, it is interesting that part of the dispute I got involved in the park on Sunday involved a cynical guy waxing on about how one of the Mitford sisters apparently befriended Hitler in the late 30s and then apparently also tried to kill herself or someone, not sure which. The guy at the park was shaking his head and saying what a crazy bitch she was. I objected as I do. It didn’t end well. He then attacked the movie La Land as self indulgent Hollywood junk. I loved the singing and dancing. After he walked away sidelining me and my opinions I felt like my joyous inner child had just been stomped on with a big Nazi boot!!!
Anyway I have diverged. I find that being ignored or sidelined is something that tends to really set my wounded self off begetting and old narcissistic injury. On Saturday, I retreated behind the nearest tree and broke down in tears and then felt a bit ashamed. What this sparked for me was memories of being small, of being ignored or left to wait, waiting a long time even to be born (I had to wait until Mum bottled the last jar of plum jam) just prior to my birth. I was the one waiting behind the closed door for permission to move and sadly I now see how I have repeated that pattern over the past 15 years, for me my Neptune in Scorpio squares my Mum’s natal Neptune in Leo which sits on my North Node showing joyful child like spontaneous self expression is part of my needed soul direction, often actively thwarted by circumstance.
In the past when joy has called, when I could have gone forward alone and not relied so much on family I cowered on the sidelines or got sucked in by other’s needs. As a child I think my sense of self was also shattered by a lack of championing and due to not really having good boundaries, I did not grown them and I became damage and my emotional development arrested due to accident and injury in which the silent scream of the Lion buried deep made its claim unconsciously. Examining these imprints with my therapist over the past 14 months I feel that on some level I have no permission to really exist as me, no right to ask for attention or support. And at times I also haven’t championed myself to have the agency to get off my bum and take control of my own life. Instead I seem to be hoping that someone else will come along and recognise me and do it for me and that is categorically NOT THEIR JOB!!!!
What has amazed me is the a lovely new blog friend Silent Fall has lately taken me under her wing and tried to promote my work and she ends up having the Leo Sun herself, so some weird act of astrological harmony and synchronicity is going on here. At times I feel a bit uncomfortable about it as I am not sure that its up to anyone to promote me but at the same time I am so thrilled that someone would feel so strongly they wanted to do that.
Today two days out from the Leo Full Moon I am feeling the rumbling of that caged Lion who has been hamstrung by my Aquarian self who tried to be and do the right thing for all concerned at the expense of her own feelings and needs which in some strange way she seems to feel are selfish!!
I have a strong feeling that if I don’t do something soon to let the Lion out of his prison he is going to have his way with my body and savage me from the inside through illness. I need to make some kind of bold move forward. I need to leave the heavy blanket of sadness behind. I don’t want to be isolated and apart any more, revolving in the opposite direction to everyone else and yet on some level as I write this I feel that even that last comment is a form of subtle erasing or negation of my self because if I need to go the opposite way I should and not put so much pressure on myself and others to connect if really it is separation that is being truly called for.
Perhaps I need to find the inner strength to go it alone for a while. I recently read on the website of Lua Astrology that just such a force or demand may be being felt following the Aquarian New Moon of a week ago due to a strong connection between Venus planet of love, relationships and self value and Saturn planet of distance, separation and self sufficiency. Is there a way to honour both? That is my question to be separate and individual and yet connect? To hold onto myself and my needs in relationship? To still love and care for others but not at my own expense? Today I can confidently say that I do believe this is possible.
And so as the Full Moon approaches, I will stay close to the Lion self, not demanding the attention I long for but instead allowing myself to express fully, clearly, truthfully, sounding my individual note, and knowing that what is meant to come to pass will come in time if I just stay true to me and trust in the way forward and move in that direction one step at a time.