If my wounded heart was whole

If my wounded heart was whole.  I would not need to please you so.  I would love to know that you are happy but I would know that as much as I care about your sadness there is not much I can do about it, except being a friend, for being a friend to your tender heart will allow it to speak its truth.

If my wounded heart was whole, I wouldn’t feel as divided and reactive, torn this way and that looking for a connection, knowing instead that I need to understand all the loss of connections and lack of connection and being connected to when young that has left me with this void at times that aches and pulls me here and there.   I would turn back within to the little child in me that is longing for connection and listen to what she has to say.  And when I met you who was barricaded and incapable of opening to my heart with your heart I would gently step away respecting that.

If my wounded heart was whole I would not have to make a comment on what you say when it disagrees with me, I would understand that your comments and your take on things comes out of your own character, feelings, thoughts, past and sensibilities.  I would just accept that that is the way you feel and that you have every right to feel as you do and I would care about it, if I really said I loved you.

If my wounded heart was whole when you said nasty things to me I would know that you are hurting or had a bad day or that something I did may have triggered you.  I wouldn’t spend too much time apologising beyond saying I was sorry if you were feeling hurt.

If my wounded heart was whole I would rest more, I would centre within quietly and silently listening to my heart beat, finding the courage to be brave and not react from the deep fear of abandonment that I have carried and projected for so long.

If my wounded heart was whole I would trust my feelings more but also know the part my past played in those feelings.  I would embrace what I love without guilt, fear or apology and I would leave you free to do the same even if that meant that our paths had to go our separate ways.

I am sorry I did not do that before.  I wish I knew then what I did now but I know having a healed heart means I accept I could not expect this of either me or you before the realisation and awakening came.