After a joyous start to my birthday morning with a surprising number of text messages and other warm birthday wishes I went to the dog park with Jasper and got involved with a conversation about the movie La La Land. “I hated it!” Dan said. “Why, I asked?” “it was just soooo self indulgent.” “In what way?” I asked. “All those stupid lyrics about how we are Hollywood, we are the dream makers?” Oh, that’s not what I took away from the movie. “What about the great song the main character sings at that audition about how we are all just human and flawed?” He rolled his eyes and walked away. Slap on the wrist feeling more like a slap on the face. It followed the fact he thought I was loopy to say that one of the Mitford sister’s who apparently cosied up to Hitler and then tried to shoot herself was not mad but probably a strong woman. Well looking back on I could have got that comment wrong I just get triggered by use of the word ‘mad’ in relation to women who are spinning out and I was referring more to one of the other Mitford sisters who went on to a more illustrious career.
After he walked away I felt slapped and then I got super emotional. Nothing new here close to this birthday I have been feeling close to tears. I had a running monologue going on in my head. I had loved the lighthearted dance scenes in La La Land where Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone engage in some old fashioned soft shoe shuffle on a deserted road in the Hollywood Hills. No wonder he was down on you, you are such a baby lured in by all that Hollywood romanticism which is really self indulgent fantasy. Can you see where I am headed with this. My Leo North Node got a hammering.
Anyway I retreated to the shade under a big old pine tree and just cried for a while. Jasper and I then headed north and met a lovely family who were supporting the Dad who had been injured and taking the dog for a play. My heart was still feeling scalded. I feel better now. I am not entirely sure why Dan’s reaction hurt me so badly and made me feel so bad about myself this morning. One of his friends standing close said how he had been in a bad mood that morning. Was it a case of me as an empath taking something on from him? I am not sure. It was weird and because it was I am posting about it here. I came away feeling bad in some way, flawed, small, messy and just wrong. Had I been shadow dumped? Who knows. Feedback much appreciated.