There are blocks in my heart that prevent me loving. That keep me trapped, that keep me locked up. Impatient and tired of these blocks I am now seeing I want to remove them. Love can hurt, feeling our hearts awake and alive at times can hurt. There are times when we will give our hearts only to have them broken but what I am seeing is that even at these times we can choose to open our hearts in love even if the love we answer to and is asked for comes from our own heart and is challenging for us to give.
I am also beginning to see that my own deep blocks come from resistance. Resistance to painful truths, anger that things are this way, well the anger maybe appropriate but why be angry about something I cannot change? Let me face the fact that anger is showing me I may need to let go and move on, that nothing is coming from trying to hold on so tightly to what is hurting me and that the worst pain comes from resisting and fighting against the painful truth. Once I can open to the painful truth I can stop the resistance, I can stop the fight, I can stop trying to change the things that just are the way they are and choose instead to love them and myself by moving on.
Accepting painful truths does not mean I have to like them. It does not mean that I will not be hurt by them but it does mean that I will begin to take some steps to care for me in the midst of them and take the right action to stop the hurting. Only I can do this. I cannot ask or demand it of any other person. Only I can fully care for me.
It is so lovely when others hear and validate my pain, when my deep pain is held and recognised, I have the feeling that a lot of so called mental illness comes from our deepest truths and pain not being fully validated. When others are mean to us, when they invalidate us, when they try to control us they are not coming from a place of love and yet we still have to answer with love, answer with love for ourselves, answer with compassion for them but not at the expense of boundaries. We have to see the fear and pain underneath their control. We need deeper eyes to see the fear and insecurity that is driving them. We don’t have to take on board the projection. We can let the arrow pass.
In closing this post I want to share a meditation I read yesterday in my daily reader which spoke to me deeply.
If one considers oneself or one’s life as a wheel within which
there are spokes and there is a central hub,
then in the life without the divine, the ego is that hub,
and all the spokes, the relationships and events that happen
are important or unimportant in so far as they affect the ego.
We’re hurt, we’re angry, we act. If one lives in the divine presence
and displaces at the hub his ego for God or for the Divine,
then what happens to him is then related to that hub.
Rabbi Samuel Drexel
Emerging From The Dark Night 
I find it so interesting that just yesterday, I was telling my therapist how I think I’ve finally learned acceptance. I’ve been feeling so much lighter because of it. I told her that I’ve accepted the negative things in my life, and will still cry about them and feel emotions about them…that’s what I’m accepting. Just like you…just because you accept something, doesn’t mean you have to like it. I always thought acceptance meant being agreeable to everything, or not letting it “bother” me, but that’s not true. The things still bother me, but I don’t spend as much energy wished they were different. I’m not spending any energy on regrets. I’m sure I’ll lapse from time to time, but right now…I think I’ve got it:)
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Yes that’s it exactly Jamie. Its a journey to get there but there is more freedom and less angst when we do. And yes sometimes my experience is you go back into the fire and burn up again for a time, maybe its an in and out process.
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