I have been resting this afternoon. Reading a chapter in The Presence Process doing the quiet centred breathing practice and allowing myself to be with the stillness of the late afternoon. What has risen up for me is the awareness of how for so much of my life, from adolescence onwards there was no place to rest. In our childhood mother is the containing presence for us, first in the womb and then as the mirror and source of our feeding and reflection, when she is absent we experience a hole or void that feels like falling through space and having no place to land or to rest. The interesting thing is that my mother also went through this experience and was sent away by her own mother, and so sent me away at this time of year after my father died.
Alone on the other side of the world I looked for a place to live, the woman’s refuge and then went to movies, shopping and to alcohol too. How well I remember the hungering and the emptiness and the feeling of not having much of a place to rest. Later on my return home I then went to Sydney and found a place with my Godparents but I could not stay there as my pattern was to leave and being a young adult I needed to find a home which ended up to be a share house where no one else rested either, they worked hard all week, partied all weekend and took drugs. That fell apart when I fell pregnant to my third boyfriend. And I found my own home finally but it was hard to rest there either.
I don’t want to go into the whole story here. Its about finding a place of rest with my husband but not being able to rest there either. Its about finally ended up in the house by the sea where I could rest but my sleep pattern was already shattered by the pain and grief and loss of separation patterns repeating over and over and over again. I see it all clearly now. Uranus in the first house ruling all of my personal planets. I learned to cut and run.
I have just finished rock musician Sting’s autobiography Broken Music and with his Uranus square to the Moon it took him until later in his 30s to see the working out of that same pattern in his life and the pain it caused him and others. I cried in the final chapter where he shares that he was unable to attend either parent’s funeral and ended up finding an ancient body buried in the back yard of his estate which he eventually laid to rest beside a forget me not flower he found that also appeared during a psychedelic trip he took in South America. It moved me so deeply.
This afternoon I am resting. I am in a silent quiet place. As Uranus slowly begins to move forward and with Mars in Aries moving towards it I see a pattern. I see why it was always so hard to rest, to find a home inside my body and heart, but now I must. I know I must. For unless I find a home here, inside me I will not find it in any outer place. All the experiences of my life have taught me this. I want to fully embrace the life I have and love it. I see how withdrawal and resistance is often a sign of my own co-dependent pattern. I don’t want to continue it. A lot of it comes out of fear, fear of being open, fear of being hurt, fear of being controlled, fear, fear, fear…. too much fear!
I also need to learn when to just let myself be and stop the frantic doing which is a quest for something that cannot end in fulfilment or nurture. Since my breast cancer surgery 11 months ago I have still be pushing and driving myself. It was hard to come back to an empty home without much support. A couple of friends came and went over a few nights and I pushed myself out and away from myself even then.
Still I am also aware that after a time of rest there is a time to go back out into the world refreshed, a time to give love from an open heart, a time to be there, to engage, to front up, to love, to commit, to move forward as life itself is always moving forward and our lives are meant to be lived by being engaged, indeed our hearts were born for love, this I realised deeply yesterday after beginning this blog and meeting my friends for an early birthday dinner.
The more I tap into that love, the less negativity I live in. When I answer any pain with love and meet myself and others from the quiet tender place in my heart I am home and I find a rest in you, we rest together held calmly in the embrace of love.