This is a post I wrote mid week last week which was a very tough week. Sometimes it takes a lot of time to gain clarity into things that trigger us and even old ways of being that don’t serve us well for growth… I have had a lot of trouble managing my relationships in the past and pulling back and going into total isolation about 15 years ago wasn’t a great thing but in some way maybe I needed to do that to come more in touch with my inner world. I do thrive on relating to others as am I beginning to see. I often fear loosing myself with others and that was part of the pattern I felt as the youngest in a far older family where I wasn’t fully seen or related to in my own world much. So I am going to post this even though its a bit old today.
I’m a little upset with myself today. I was doing so well earlier in the week, going for my early morning walk, dealing with things that needed to be tended to at home and feeling good, then one phone call to my Mum and news my sister was off the coast house alone without me who wanted to go hit me hard. In therapy yesterday, Katina bought up the idea that it triggered earlier leavings and losses. I think she was spot on. Now sadly I have had two days where its been hard to get going. I finally managed to eat something about 11 am after about three hours of nosebleeds and then I stretched and wrote another blog before this one, my fourth today.
Today WordPress is my only channel to the outside world… in a few minutes I need to get myself up and out and into the fresh air as I am looking like a ghost or a cadaver today I have lost so much blood and all of this sitting around isn’t good, that said I am on the go a lot so would it really hurt to give myself a break is this my never say die inner critic giving me a good old bum kick?
I am clear that something enormous got triggered for me on Wednesday. I see I function better when I make more connections with the outside world and arrange to get together with someone nurturing. It takes me out of myself for a time. I need this at present because as I look back I’ve had a shit load of aloneness and being alone too much sucks if you are not spending the alone time well. And at the moment I am so tired I just wish someone would come and take care of me. Not going to happen!. Staying in all day triggers me back to other hard times and to times I would retreat with a killer hangover. That hasn’t happened for over 23 years but the memories are there.
Today perhaps just for a little while I need to detach from my self, acknowledge that I have been facing big issues and let go then look to do something nurturing. I have to begin feeding myself instead of depleting myself. Its a long road but somehow I need to keep going forward on it. Today I am just coming out of some big trigger haven’t been in this dark place for as long as before for quite a while. Need to remember that.