I’m feeling very sick this morning from all the blood I have swallowed from the nosebleeds of the past week. The past few days have been so painful I am sure my body is trying to drive the point home how impossible it is for me to be around those who are shut down and there is no way in to connect with them, or at least how that felt as a small child, almost like being invisible on some level.
I spoke to my mother last night as she had been trying to call all day and not getting through for some reason. Late yesterday afternoon I had to call the doctor, I was having trouble breathing and the nose bleeds went on all day yesterday. I was so fed up of being at home I took myself out and had a bite to eat (it was so hard to eat yesterday) and a cup of coffee which I now know was the wrong thing to do. After I had it I started to get a pain around my right shoulder blade and then back at home a full on panic, breathless attack captured me in its clutches. It was only when I spoke to the receptionist at the doctor’s surgery and cried that the bleeding in my nose stopped, it had been on and off all day and I was exhausted!
“Is there someone you could call to be with you, a family member or neighbour?” she asked? I said no, my sister is away, my mother is sick and I could not ask that of my neighbours. In the end she suggested I called the home doctor service which operates between 6 and 10. By this point I was crying a lot and the receptionist was very concerned. Is there anything else I can do? she asked. I cannot tell you what a balm it was to be shown that empathy.
After the call I started to make dinner and listen to some music and huge waves of grief began to wash over me. I had to get down on the floor the sobs were so deep and the pain so deep too. God bless my little dog Jasper, he came and sat by me while I wept flat on my back on the kitchen floor. I was so grateful to him for that as sometimes he makes a beeline for the door when I am upset.
I am beginning to see that my anger with family masks so much grief and pain inwardly that I am carrying and have been denying. I cannot quite compute or digest the hurts lodged in me like splinter shards, my body seems to be trying all the time to cough them up. My mother shows me more empathy than my sister but her emotions are so somatised and its has often been impossible to broach the subject of grief as it just gets batted back at you.
This was the cause of a huge fight we had five years ago at this time of year after refusal to acknowledge any grief after I split from my last partner and the grief was huge because she showed a form of contempt to me at the time and when I said the F word. She said “if you are going to swear then you can leave this house” and I had no other home as my ex had dumped me.
I took myself off 300 miles away driving all night until dawn and stayed away 6 months. I sometimes think I should have stayed away permanently but as my therapist says its no use denying my longing to be connected to family, if I do I split off a large part of myself.
I seem to be subject to disappointments over and over and over and over and over and over and over again with them. Maybe I just need to harden up where they are concerned, look for genuine connection elsewhere. I don’t know the answer to be honest, frankly. Part of me just wants to break away totally. But my therapist doesn’t think I should. I am in a bit of a fucking quandary.
A little time later after eating breakfast and reflecting I had these insights : Putting an astrological slant on it which many may not understand, maybe not knowing or believing in astrology. But it occurred to me that in this life there are Saturnian types contrasted and conflicting with Neptunian times.
Saturnian types may seem hard and defended. In some way their past made them this way. They may have had to shoulder older burdens when very young, they may have had to put aside their tender hearts, and deeply repress the intensity of their feelings in order to get on. They may look askance at Neptunian types who are emotionally oceanic, wear their hearts on their sleeve, feel universal compassion for everyone but then get really deeply hurt when shown lack of empathy and climb into their shells. If these Neptunians have a touch of other forces such as Pluto they may get angry and seethe or just bury all the pain inside. Uranian types may just try to detach, split off or run away, both of those describe me.
It occurs to me that my mother and sister are defended Saturnian types. They put up barricades. They do their best. Where I hit the wall with them is being so oceanically Neptunian but then splitting into hurt Plutonian defences and Uranian ones too at times too. Maybe what is needed from me is a greater degree of consciousness and awareness to see where the splits are and just accept this is the way it is.
Much as I wish it did life doesn’t run to my agenda or cater to my whims or desires all of the time. It doesn’t mean I should have the whims or desires but I need to be realistic, wised savvy and open hearted with dealing with where they get blocked and gain a deeper insight into how reacting can end up hurting me. Maybe the world isn’t setting out to hurt me its just doing what it needs to do to get along. In order for me to live well I have to be very aware of how I react and of the things I tell myself when I meet emotional repression and of the expectations I have of others.
After writing this I went to the Chiropractor who works with emotions and explained the event that had triggered me over the past week going back into the painful time when my sister made my mother choose who she wanted to be with more, her or me and my mother chose me due to the fact my marriage had ended and I was grieving. It hurt so much at the time, but the way Rebecca explained it to me, people who feel things intensely often trigger other people’s emotional defences and most particularly in Australia with its ‘she’ll be right mate’, ‘no worries’ ethos. She explained how here people can and do look at you askance if you have intense emotions which would probably be accepted better in other cultures. Well Australia is a Sun Sign Capricorn country ruled by Saturn.. so go figure!!
Rebecca confirmed what I have been realising. Its pointless getting upset with those who cant speak the language you do or admit or allow the intensity of their own emotions. When we wise up to this we are freer to choose our responses wisely. We can realise there is nothing really wrong with us when others try to scapegoat, diminish or exile us for our intensity. Much as it hurts in time we can gain a more realistic approach to our own intensity.