I am not sure how to explain realisations I am coming to at the moment but what I am seeing is that on some level I have not be seeing essential soul truths and sticking to what is good for me. It seems I have been in some kind of deep trance or self delusion most particularly around the issue of my family. Why oh why when I chose sobriety so many years ago did I then choose to stay close to a very wounded family that was on a very different trajectory and happy to reject me for trying to point out some truths and trying to express and acknowledge deep feelings and seek recovery?
Perhaps the answer is that it was my child self that was still bonded to them, still in a trance, still seeking validation and recognition that could only come from elsewhere, from emotionally healthy people, people not disconnected from deep feeling, people choosing to feel rather than reach for drugs or facades or diversions from the deeper work of inner connection and consciousness. And just how many of these kinds of healthy connected people are there out there anyway?
I am a bit dismayed this morning to see the way in which I was blind and unaware, most especially five years ago when I chose to move back to my home down and then spent time with my sister who at that time was on a series of manic sprees. I don’t want to sound as though I am judging those with bi polar disorder as the acting out of the sprees of this contains hidden life energy, it is just that someone who is in the heightened stage of the manic cycle does have an impact on those around them, most especially those working through their own issues to find a healthier state of balance. I got myself caught up with my sister and her whirlwind and then slapped in the face several times when she acted in disconnected, callous and unloving ways to me. My inner child felt it and hated it at the time now she is giving me a big serve about it as I didn’t really protect her at the time or afterwards.
Anyway, right about here is where acceptance needs to enter the picture. I did the best I could at the time in trying to work my way out of something and at a time I really needed physical support I reached for support to the only available sources. I see that my family have been able to support me in some ways, they are not all bad but I also need to stay realistic and see the reality. When I try to look to them for validation and understanding of emotions I come unstuck.
Taking the risk in the last few years to communicate how their behaviour affects me although painful at times is also good as the way they respond to me gives me a reality check and a better understanding that its not always me who is the one who is at fault. Because they don’t operate on emotionally healthy level there is a lot I cannot expect from them because to quote an Al Anon saying I wrote a blog about a while back, with some people ‘an expectation is a premeditated resentment’ and resentment is what I have been feeling a lot of over the past few days.
Resentments have reared their head over the six weeks or so starting with a big disappointment I experienced when a friend bailed on a commitment five minutes out. And it occurs to me that resentments mark the places where our earliest childhood wounds and sore spots live. We had a need or a desire or a feeling and in some way it was thwarted or frustrated or betrayed or denied by a parent or some other important figure. These wounded spots mark the place of my deepest work to become conscious and loving. How I respond in the face of this hurt shows how well I am doing in my emotional recovery.
In AA you are taught to pray for the people you resent. I was never really sure about that and it can be hard to do if they really, really hurt you or frustrated you or denied you. But in some way I do think its becoming apparent to me that I need to find a way to let go from resending the hurt back into my system over and over and over and over and over again. And could it just be that this resentment process ends up with us developing all kinds of autoimmune diseases? Louise Hay speaks about how she has experienced though her own healing how resentment is related to development of cancer in her book The Power is Within in You.
For myself when I hit the wall over and over with resentment I get into a space where surrender is essential. Surrender of the old pattern, surrender of the hurt, surrender of the hate, surrender of the despair, surrender of the person and of my need for that person to be a certain way. It’s a conscious decision to say ‘I am going to let this go but I am also going to take some steps to get out of the hurting place or line of fire or damaging situation that is hurting me over and over and over again’ or at least choose to alter my response to it without denying that my need is real and I need to find better ways and means to meet it.
This puts me firmly back in the place of self care, responsibility, respond-ability and adult hood. It increases my energy, increases my sense of inner power and agency. It also allows me some healthy boundaries and limits to work within.
It has become clear to me in the midst of writing this blog today that I have some work to do now, self parenting work, growing up work in terms of becoming a more conscious and respond-able person. Perhaps what I am learning is that I must look less for the all good parent or sibling out there and look more within to myself for these things. Also once I do that and know what I need I am in a better place to look for it out there. This increases my pleasure, reduces my pain and leaves me in a place where I can feel good again and reach for the good, knowing by how things feel if they are energy restoring or energy depleting
I got to here in the blog and then had a shower combined with a panic attack and massive nosebleeds again, there was blood all through the shower. It must be a huge manifestation of fear that lives within me despite all of the beautiful words I write. This is the truth you, the reader don’t see. That until now, 11 am I could only eat fruit, that then I was crying and almost could not breathe but as I sat down and become present with my self and the nosebleed turned to tears I heard an inner voice say to me :
Put your hand on your heart and say
‘I am here’
Which I did and could not stop crying while doing it because I saw an image of younger me at about 5 years of age. The voice also asked me to say to my heart with my hand on my heart ‘I am safe’ which was really hard to say. What doing that made me realise is that most of the time I don’t feel safe, most especially not around others. I want to feel safe, I really, really do, but perhaps before I can I need to acknowledge my fear and act from courage instead knowing I am safe if I can take care of me.
The inner voice also said to me that love is the force which has created earth and humans, it is a force than can only be denied for so long. We shouldn’t love the dark deeds humans do, for they run contrary to love, but love is really the only answer for human darkness and human ignorance. It seems to me in my own life that the light within has attracted darkness without at times. At other times I have turned my back on the light and life and living because I was scared and also that often I looked everywhere for the love outside me. Now I know now the truth is that until I can show that love and feel that love deep inside and within me for me, there is not much point looking for it everywhere outside
If I want to know love I have to be love although sometimes everything inside me wants me to hate and be angry when old wounds get triggered. But the love I need to express can can’t be a soppy love that takes anything, it has to be a strong and fearless love that stands up for what it believes in and has courage, the courage of a lion heart, a heart that can know fear but answer with love.