I woke today feeling like I had had a really good sleep but I went fairly rapidly into a very dark place. The nosebleeds came back with a vengeance and I am still running through a catalogue of hurts from the past from my family. Truth is I love them but discussing it with my therapist yesterday its becoming obvious my sister does not see me at all. Who I am at a deep level does not and possibly cannot register on her radar and I would be denying and fobbing part of myself off if I just dismiss my pain and hurt over the fact its impossible for us to connect and deny how deeply she has hurt me in the past.. Still I have to accept the reality and it is one that really hurts and I don’t want to live in this pain fovever .
Sadly since I moved back to my home town stress in my family of origin means I placed my energy there with them when they were in crisis and the truth as I now see it is that for the sake of my own sobriety I would have been better to pull back because it was not really my responsibility to take care of them but that approach is not really in my nature. In that time I haven’t spent the time I should have nurturing other relationships.
I think the best way forward is to reach for the new connections that seem to be coming towards me. Sometimes when I am hurting its hard to reach out and I still need to try at times and strike a balance because sitting alone too long in really deep pain is not the best thing, I deserve some happiness, love and connection in my life.
Today is looming dark, overcast and a bit stormy here which can make it more difficult to get out and raise my energy level through exercise. The weather being like this reminds me of lonely times when I was so disconnected from myself. Today I need to connect to me. I need on some level to accept how I am feeling. My entire life has been full of a lot of pain and struggle and illness affected me due to it happening to me or the people around me. I just haven’t seemed to have much of a reprieve. Now I need to learn ways to take care of and be loving to me.
Blogging just seems to be so important to me right now. I had a nosebleed that just wouldn’t stop for an hour before I started to write this. In the course of writing it has stopped completely.
I realise as the heavy rain has just started to fall that I have a lot to write about and to say. Lately I have been having some deep insights into my ancestral history, the way in which it has attracted me to critical relationships. I also have deep awareness that collectively on some level we are being called to awaken through acknowledging our own pain and trauma as to how that is due to playing out of collective influences which the earth going through its present crisis is trying to get us to wake up to and change. The unloving way I was treated when my marriage ended was horrific. At a time I most needed support family came in and basically tried to walk all over me, because they were not connected to their own feelings. Writing this I see how the same thing then happened to the sister I have had a lot of problems with at the hands of her own family after her marriage ended. So it was a kind of karma really.
I watched her hospitalised four times for depression, driven into an almost comatose state through a course of shock treatment and drugged by psychiatrists who did not spend 5 minutes enquiring into her childhood pain, then over run by family when she finally collapsed again after trying to take on my Mum’s pain and give her all the support she missed. At the same time I was trying to support my mother through her own surgery gone wrong and resulting illness with fuck all support from my brother, who basically took care of himself which was probably a very healthy thing to do now, as I consider it.
When I consider my sister taking herself off alone to the coast after having the painful reaction I did the other day, I see that in some way she is just trying to live her life in the only way she knows how and take care of herself. Maybe we are not meant to connect deeply over anything and maybe my continuing to hope that we can and will is a form of self delusion.
I do need to honour my need to be deeply connected to others and be able to share the deep truth of what we went through, to both give and receive validation. This acknowledgement of deeper psychic reality is something I cannot avoid, its what I live, breath and long from my soul to experience and express most. And blogging gives me a forum for that, as well as a connection with beautiful souls out there I can relate to at this deeper level.
At the same time when the darkness does come over and threaten to consume me I need to remember something I just read in a lovely post by Fauxcroft. That deep within us all we are beings of spirit and light. Often this shining spirit and light gets eclipsed by all of the things that happen to us. We get covered over with shit and soot and forget that deep within our souls we are a shining luminescent spirit. It seems to me that if we can recognise this more deeply and see and find all the ways we are born for love and through love, when we give love to ourselves and others even in the darkest places then perhaps we are just one step closer to freedom from darkness.
I just called to mind a saying that I think is from somewhere in the Bible. “And a light shone in the darkness and the darkness comprehended it not.” Sorry if that isn’t an accurate reading but it says something to me. When we are deep in the darkness the light is there we just cannot always see it. But it pays to remember if we can on some level there is light and hope when we open our hearts to our own and also to each others suffering and give love from a place of peace and understanding which darkness cannot touch. And the light is also there when we make the choice to stay present to and witness the struggle our spirit goes through to shine and be recognised and free itself from the darkness that difficult experiences force into us and upon us.