I took the risk this morning of speaking to my sister about the intense reaction I had to her going to the coast on her own and not including me today. She didn’t have a clue as to how I was feeling, had made all of these assumptions, such as I would just go down sometime on my own despite the fact she knows all the trauma I went through down there at her hands and those of my ex and that I have told her several times next time I go down, I don’t want to go down alone. Its also clear to me that she didn’t really want me going down with her as I may cramp her style and to be honest on reflection we are so different perhaps its for the best. However after the conversation I ended up feeling even more alone. What’s new?! Its a wake up call and a reality check for me.
“It wasn’t maliciously intended.” She said to me at one point. Why use that word? I didn’t think that at all, rather I just thought was a case of her not communicating and then assuming she could mind read me which is what she does all the time. Also I find that because she is on medication rather than doing any emotional work she operates on a very cut and dried level of purely based physical activity and with little regard for the subtleties or consequences of her reactions.
I got off the phone feeling like a bit of a freak to be honest that I don’t operate in that way. Anyway I spoke to my therapist and she told me I did very well. That I expressed how I felt calmly, which I had. The charge went out for me too and the nose bleeds have stopped.
I guess what is being driven home though is how lonely it really is in my family. How its not going to be possible for me to have any more than limited contact at the moment. I took the opportunity to express how I truly felt and I got the brush off. She was obviously in a hurry to get everything done and dusted so she could just get on with her day which is the way she operates. Maybe it would be better if I am more like that, providing a container for deeper feelings and only sharing them with people who are capable of meeting me on that level.
I’ve lost the really happy space I was in yesterday when things were going well, though before the phone call to my Mum. I operate in a happier place when I am outside family relationships with both my Mum and my sister which have been the cause of so much pain and hurt in the past. That much has been made clear to me over the past 15 hours. For those of you who don’t know my major traumatic head injury came on the back of their emotional abuse and sidelining of me during my depression following the end of my marriage when I made the mistake of choosing to stay close to my family rather than make the break and get away and concentrate on my deep emotional healing.
I lost 10 years of my life in the wilderness trying to get back on track and the decision was my responsibility so I have to be an adult and wear it. At the same time it was the way they treated me with such contempt and complete disregard of my feelings which drove me into such a painful and lonely place. I was warned how they were by others who saw but my inner child kept clinging on in the hopes of getting unrequited needs met they could never, would never fulfil. Some hard lesson is being driven home currently. I am sure now that being empathetic to me and caring about what I need doesn’t really enter their radar, perhaps is not even their job now that I am an adult. Expecting anything better is part of my own mixed up co-dependency. But there I go again second guessing and giving a way out for poor behaviour and selfishness.
I read a great post last night on which wolf we should feed, the wolf of anger or the wolf of love. An interesting comment from someone said they have learned that they must steer clear of those who awaken the angry wolf within them. I think that the angry wolf isn’t bad at all. It is the part of us that tells us what isn’t right for us when it gets angry and we should listen. I personally watch in the dog park when dogs set their boundary snappishly. The emotionally healthy owners don’t mind this if they realise their dog is just setting a boundary. So should it be for us.
I awoke this morning after all the nose bleeds feeling like I would never get out of bed. I am glad I made the risk of talking to my sister so I could get into a clearer space. I am grateful I could talk to my therapist but I still came off the phone from her feeling nauseated and ill deep in my gut. What has helped me become clearer and to release the sick feeling has been writing this blog. Blogging helps me to get the feelings out there.
Yesterday I posted and then took down a post of a poem which expresses valid anger at my sister. Shame and fear made me take it down. I am going to restore it this morning. At times due to my Catholic education and due to a childhood where anger was expressed in a dangerous way I get so scared expressing anger. I am scared I will lose followers cause I get more likes when I post about ‘love’ but still the genuine feelings of anger I have had are real and I need to honour them and express them. I need to release them so they don’t poison me from within and expressing them makes it easier for me to let them go.
I am inspired by this comment from a fellow blogger appearing on the blog I referred to earlier:
….I struggle when freeing myself from that wolf of hate….. I accept my wolf of hate whenever it finds me because to not accept it would be a form of self-hatred. I don’t believe in that.
When I see its me who is suffering from an emotionally insensitive or unconscious person’s actions its best for me to let it go. They don’t see what they are doing or even care or lose any sleep, so why should I? I can’t go all bullet proof and say it doesn’t hurt. The valid feelings of hurt will give me good information about actions I need to take around them in the future in order to steer clear and not be hurt so much next time. It seems clearer and clearer to me lately how much better my body feels when I steer clear of toxic, triggering influences in my life. My body shows me pretty quickly what’s what.