I am actually having severe heart attack symptoms in the early evenings lately just before and after dinner and the pain and stress has been so bad these last few days that my nose is bleeding. I had an upset today concerning my sister. I was very angry with her and posted an angry poem which I have now taken down. She called me a few hours ago to say she is on the way to the family’s coast house alone. I had mentioned that I would like to go but nothing was said. Our mother is unwell and someone needs to be here to take care of her. After we spoke on the phone I felt like I was having a heart attack.
There just seems to be no way to bridge the huge unspoken schisms that seem to form around the three of us surviving in the aftermath of the anniversary of my Dad’s death. Even though its years ago the shadow imprints and grief energy lives on and we lost my other sister two years ago so that pain is deep for me too in the shadows as she and I were close in a way me and my other living sister are not.
For me it was so painful to go to the other side of the world less than six weeks after Dad died alone. I still can not quite compute how my mother could have forced me to do that. I went through so much loneliness and trauma over there. Due to loneliness on the first anniversary I hooked up with a man who was friends with someone I started to board with in Switzerland and fell pregnant. I chose to have the pregnancy aborted. My two close friends I was travelling with left me alone there and went back to the UK together.
On the second anniversary I got into a new relationship, on the third that split up and I ended up back home, only to find my mother was remarrying and there was no one there for me. My godparents encouraged me to move to Sydney and then supported me for a time. In the following few years there was another termination (my fourth) another relationship break down and then another termination a few years later.
Eventually I married and got into sobriety. My husband and I had some happy times to a degree but the silent grief was dogging my life even then. It has really taken me til today to see how I subtly began to pull away and feel the pull back, hoping if I came back close to family we could feel it through. But that just never seems to happen. A few years later my last relationship broke apart around this exact anniversary.
When I started to get the heart attack symptoms and nose bleeds tonight I thought this thought “this unresolved grief is going to kill me”. My breast cancer last year manifested around this same time of year, no wonder I am feeling scared. Its all beginning to add up and make sense to me, all the connections.
Today following the upset feelings of total lack of acknowledgement I had the thought that I needed to go no contact with my family. But how will that help me? It feels like an angry snub nose fob off that will hide the deeper pain inside me and that’s not good for me. At times I feel I am in an impossible no win situation. I also keep thinking that maybe instead of rejecting AA meetings at the moment I would be better to attend and let the feelings out, cause sometimes when I sit in a meeting whatever is simmering inside that I close off can open up. I may try it and see how it goes for me. Or it may be better to really cosy up and nurture myself, do my presence process breathing practice which really helped last night and get myself an early night.
Grief can be such a lonely thing. Ideally in connected families you grieve together, talk about the person and share your feelings. Our remaining family is not like that everyone keeps up a polite front up and a great distance. I have felt myself pulling away when it may have been better to be close. Its a painful dilemma but rather than remain silent about it I am going to share about it on my blog. I was actually very sad to read about the angry feelings I feel towards my sister for shutting me out so many times. I don’t want to be a person full of bitterness and hate. Its just not me.
I was thinking while all this resentment pain and anger was going on today of the quote by Eckhart Tolle that says “Where there is anger there is always pain underneath.” There is pain in grief and I don’t want the anger to block the pain of the longing I feel for a deeper connection that often gets frustrated due to both our defences and fears. I wish we could share our pain but maybe even that hope is unrealistic and futile.
There! I’ve got that off my chest, maybe the heart pain will die down now. Feedback and other perspectives are welcome and would be much appreciated.