Do you have to kick yourself?

Sometimes we do.  We do need to kick ourselves into gear in order to add some of the positive life force and vital energy to our lives that will take us out of the endless feedback loop of depression skullduggery.

And then…..

There is a place where we also need to accept what is going down as part of the reality of life living itself according to a plan that to our idea of way of thinking may be all wrong and may demand a lot of us.   Life is confusing and there is no one size fits all recommendation for living it when it all comes down to it.  Today I had this awareness that sometimes my thinking lies to me and will actually act as a massive saboteur of something I need, at other times my thinking will be spot on and when I say no to something there will be a backlash from my inner critic which tells me I did the wrong thing because in saying no I pushed myself outside of a former comfort zone and challenged someone’s boundary or fears.

I am recognising that I need to stand strong to my first thought and back it up even when I start to feel scared, frightened, anxious or lonely and even when I start to realise that I feel I should have said “yes” because I am going against a strongly entrenched pattern I need not to let the pattern reel me back in with a What the heck?  Confusing? Yes, deeply perplexing at times   Welcome to the world inside my head today.

Today I decided not to go to the cemetery a long way across town to honour my dead sister. Today I decided to let go on one level.  I then posted an image and some thoughts on Facebook not only for me but for those who loved my sister so much.  In one way I am remembering my sister, in another way I am letting go and in yet another I am beginning to accept that her life unfolded as it did due to an outplaying of events that perhaps had gone a different way if different factors were involved but they were not.

I am also beginning to see that in some way for over 30 years I have been deeply enmeshed in the outplaying of a trauma that had little to do with me on one level, but also everything on another.  Confusing?  Yes!  Paradoxical, Yes!  Welcome to the mystery of life.

At 54 I am only just now beginning to ask what it is that I want for my life.   I feel that until now my entire energy has been consumed by a past that I drank through and then 23 years ago decided to face up to the best I could sober.  The truth was I could not face up to it with any degree of consciousness until the pain I had experienced and buried over the first 39 years began to emerge for me just over 15 years ago.

For the astrologically aware that time frame (14-15 years) is about half of a Saturn cycle and the outworking of our 28-30 year Saturn cycle hits a point of increased awareness about half way through.  After we have gone through the first round of the cycle that many of us live as victims of unconscious forces and conditioning, as a soul set down amidst the circumstances of a life amongst influences we did not choose which are our fate,  we have to find ways to deal with it consciously in some way or continue to live in denial as the case may be.

So/and Saturn often means we have to bring out the big scissors that cut something off, it may even be something we dearly loved and wished or longed for but circumstance has begun to reveal that on some level despite our longing it is not for us. This is for some of us where we can be literally cut off at the knees.

Speaking of that last night I watched a very sad but enlightening documentary on the children of Queen Victoria and it seems that Queen Victoria was actually one of the queenly figures of narcissistic mothering, trying through out all of her life to exert her control and influence over every single one of her offspring and most especially after the love of her life Prince Albert died.  All her longing and need for control and hidden grief was after this turned towards trying to manipulate things to keep each one of her children close.

I wont go into all the details and I missed the final 5th of what was a show with about 6 parts, but in the final part the show concentrated on QV’s relationship with her last son, Leopold.  Leopold hated the constraints of the palace where his every move was regulated and watched.  As a bright young boy he wanted very much to escape and go to university.  He begged and pleaded for this for a long time and in the end QV consented but only on the condition that he study and have no fun or entertainment at all in his venture.   He acquiesced but then actually managed to have a lot of fun… Until!!!!

Yep, guess what?  Somehow she once again managed to assert her malevolent influence over him and he ended up dying on his Saturn return at age 3o due to a cut on the knee.  Tragically Prince Leopold never got away from the negative, smother mother.   I don’t really fully know how this relates to the post I started to write only to say it struck a deep and painful cord within.  Freedom to live our own life, to have our own hopes and dreams, freedom and the courage to try is not always available to us and the consequences can, in the end be tragic.  What a reminder this is to kick ourselves in to gear and when we see or know something we want to go for it with all our heart, releasing the fear and obstacles that hold us back, if we can.

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