My body, longing


It wasn’t just me that was left alone

It was my whole body

And my body felt the longing

That my mind could not

I had to shut it down

Because wanting so

Led no where

But t0 a broken road

On which I smashed up

Now I know that was a metaphor

The torn car

Engine parts coming in on me

Blood everywhere

Metal shards inside me

I live the memory of it every night

And when we met

My body was closed

And it was terrified

With a terror my mind did not know

Only my body did

And it longed and grieved silently

While my mind fought

Being close to you

That warmth like melting snow

Surrounding me

And when my head hit the pillow

After we made love

The whole room spun

I got up

Only to fall down and hit my head

In just the place where the smash up was before

You held me and said

I’ll take care of you

I will never leave you

But the emotional violence that followed

Put paid to that

You could not bear the reminder

Of how your mother suffered at his hands

And then left you alone

You feared yourself also to be

The Nazi

Capable of another genocide

Years later I remember

How sweet that late summer was

When we tasted connection

For such a brief time

In between the fall

And the heater blowing up

We tasted a sweetness

Whose memory imprint beckoned

Us back after each fight

Each separation

In the end our histories were too large

For both of us

I see it now

All the ways we struggled

Each wanting so much

But feeling so alone

And I want you to know I am sorry

Though I am not to blame

And neither were you

You wanted someone else

Who would not remind you of a painful past

And could not see

I was the way into your own healing

Your abandonment

Didn’t mean I wasn’t good enough

Only that I’d suffered too much

It hurt like hell

Over more that 1,500 nights

Of anguish

But now I find myself

Deep in the cool healing waters of forgiveness

And know that despite all the pain and loss

Love lives on

And is the final answer

 Now I know the reason why

Fate drew us together

The pain wrought

By how things unfolded

Was all a repeat

Needing our understanding

But in the end

Only I could understand

Left alone, again

Catching tears

Feeling in my body

The silent longing

For love

Admitting it to my mind

Now I have found love inside me

I can feel compassion for both of us

This longing

In the end

Led me home

To my body

To love

2 thoughts on “My body, longing

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