I ask to accept my Self today, not turning away from it because it is not perfect.
It is a great revelation that perfection is not asked of us.
I know that I need to be cognizant of what needs to be changed in my persona, but this does not mean that I am unlovable.
These changes will come naturally as I let go of fear and judgment, attack and anger.
Yet even anger can be accepted as long as my expression of that anger undergoes a transformation.
It is in the expression of Love that even anger is not derided.
I have already re-blogged the original post that this excerpt which is a prayer came from. I am reposting it here as it is a prayer I want to incorporate into my consciousness and awareness on a daily basis now.
Lately I am sensing a lot of the old hurts falling away from me. I am interested that anger is spoken of here and acknowledged as necessary on the path of transformation to love. We don’t gain anything emotionally or spiritually by denying anger when we feel trespassed against by someone. Underneath anger is often fear or sadness. Fear for something that we may lose or may be denied or taken from us. Deep sadness for all the things we really needed from a full heart and could not gain or was denied us.
I had a powerful moment this afternoon with my Mum when she cried due to the fact I was in a lot of bodily pain today. I owned the part I played in it and I also saw that it was a pain my mother passed down to me unwittingly due to the impoverished aspects of her own lonely childhood. I really felt so deeply my Mum’s sadness and as she made a move to give me a hug I moved towards her as her fractured pelvis is slowly healing. I became aware of the great burden my Mum carried since my father died. Tomorrow she is going to the funeral of a man who she was very close to. Friends of hers from her apartment are taking her. “I feel scared”, she said to me. “Are you scared of being emotional and breaking down?” I asked. She nodded with her eyes and head lowered.
I want to be there for my Mum tomorrow, but I wont be. My heart will be with her. Her pain over my Dad is her pain for a different man. My pain is different and contains other elements, anger which has been for things I did not get, that he did not see and that were denied me and had a real impact, sadness for the loss of the soft heart of a man that could not fully express tenderness except through his love of his garden. These are the wounds I will always carry that have left very real scars and the transformation they have wrought which comes out of enduring the fires of anger and oceans of sadness are hard ones. I know the longing for love and to love the underlies them and I can recognise that on one level there was love but not expressed in the way I needed it.
Today I can have compassion for my Dad. But I also need to have compassion for myself. I need to accept the long and painful road that has been my life, one on which I struggled due to an abandonment theme with men that replayed and replayed, driving me deeper into the wound. I see the ways I wounded out of the wound too when frustrated and the earlier injuries were replayed. But I do feel that all of this occurred so a greater healing or whole making could take place. Now I have to be my own loving father and in the soft silence of my own garden I talk to my father and I hear his voice and his explanations which fall down like rain on my soul from his soul.
Our parents are not perfect, they fall short. Some cause terrible damage and it is for us to bind up our wounded hearts and to strive not to be hard on ourselves or to blame ourselves for things that were so far out of our control. My greatest belief is that love can come out of the harshest pain of bitterness, betrayal, abandonment, loss and disappointment. These things remind us to be tender with ourselves, to embrace our own heartache and not to close our minds or hearts to the life that still wants to live and be embraced through us. We do not want to shut down or block the love that lives within us, a love that asks of us perhaps more than of the person who has not suffered in this way. So our prayer is one of healing, one of love, one of opening and one of acceptance.