I just re-blogged a post that expressed a lot of anger towards my Dad for placing me in a job with a sexually abusive boss. I am aware today on review that my father knew nothing of this and if he did, if I had told him he would have been concerned. I don’t want to paint my father as a totally uncaring man. And it occurred to me this week that my father saw how much I was suffering in my late adolescence. It was my mother who chose not to be there emotionally. It was my father who could not really provide adequate back up due to his own issues
Today just after getting out of bed with the anniversary of Dad’s death looming I am thinking of our last encounter which was an argument over me blowing my car up due to not checking the oil on a trip home from driving my then partner to Sydney to catch his flight to India. We never got to make it up as he was taken soon after and as I have been thinking about it over the past few days my Dad was opposed to this relationship in which I was emotionally abandoned several times. Left on the side of the road with no bag or money while pregnant and forced to contact my parents to send me the money to get the train home from a thousand miles away that was just one incident and this partner dropped me quickly just after my father’s death and pulled the plug on me coming to meet him a trip I had been working towards through doing two jobs over a couple of years.
I am thinking today how parents who don’t do emotional healing work are subject to all kinds of forces over which they are powerless and these can repeat in their child’s life and then they suffer in seeing their children suffer. The cancer that ate away at my Dad’s stomach came from two sources, I believe. Seeing two of his daughters suffer at the hands of emotionally absent men, not setting adequate boundaries with his son who over extended him financially both these together with eating the wrong food and drinking too much mine on an acid stomach. That is actually 3 causes!
Anyway Dad is gone now. I missed out on later fathering years. I am sure he did his best. Since he passed and at critical times of recovery I have had powerful dreams of Dad calling me towards emotional recovery and I do feel that he is one of my angels now. I just needed to process the resentments I have over the things we were both powerless over and lay them to rest because otherwise if they remain buried in the unconscious they become poisons that can eat away at my own flesh and this year I had breast cancer and am not out of the woods by any means.
The cure for the resentment for me lies in accepting what was lost, what got thwarted and that has been fucking tough and painful work and in grieving and feeling the anger in such a way that I contain it and learn from it rather than scatter gun act it out on other sources or triggers. A lot of the anger came out in my past relationship with a man who I resented for putting work and surfing ahead of me. I did not have the words to express my anger and so I would act it out sometimes in tantrums, most often in another room or in passive aggressive ways I did not understand and that angered him.
I was talking through with my therapist yesterday some of the ways in which I would like to apologise to my last partner, and I was reminded it was not all of the problems and bad behaviour lay with me and that my therapist saw it as healthy that I could see that my ex was not totally bad. She said to me “you both did your best but you didn’t do a great job of it” and then we both laughed, not in a dismissive way but in the way that it was no longer such a HUGE DEAL as it has been for me in the past because the charge of the loss of so many other relationships was piggy backed onto the pain of this one. Five years on out of it I am in a much better space of peace and wisdom and understanding.
Yesterday I read that currently Chiron the planet of wounding and healing is in a challenging aspect to Saturn the planet of restriction, karmic burdens, limitations and boundaries. This kind of augers well on some level for healing but means the pain of past wounds may have felt extreme over Christmas for many of us. Mars meets up with this aspect soon, so is activating a lot of awareness. After being reluctant to get back to therapy yesterday I am today so grateful I have this avenue of healing to explore my wounds and triggers. We had a huge clash just before Christmas and saw it through. That was a watershed for me. It shows I was able to contain the anger I felt and not destroy a valuable relationship that failed me for a few days. I am so very grateful for these small signs of progress along the way in my recovery. I seem to be getting the benefits of some of Saturn’s wisdom as it guess Saturn shows the positive father or the negative father within. What wisdom can we show to our wounds? What boundaries can we form around them, the necessary containment that we need to grow wisdom and heal? All Chiron/Saturn themes close to my heart.