There is a soft, dreamy wistful energy about my home and within my head and heart this afternoon. I have had one of the busiest days of my life. Not with a lot of face paced movement but from the time I woke at 5.20 am I have been on the go, trying to catch up on gardening, taking Jasper for a walk through the park and down to the water where our gift of grace today was to see a family of seven little duckling perched on the side of the lake looking very tentative and tender and vulnerable. From there to the dog park where it being a summer holiday we caught up with lots of friends and met a few new puppies. Home to clean the kitchen and sort out some cupboards then going to the shopping centre for lunch and to get a few new things in the summer sale, a new skirt and a half priced pair of golden sandles, then via the grocery store to home where I unpacked the shopping and finally sat down. All through this the inner critic was commenting on the entire proceedings telling me only negative things, how I am doing too much, over running the grief at this time of year, yammer, yammer, yammer……
Anyway I just sat still and centred in the silence and was thinking about Dad and this time of year and had one of those spiritual moments I only have alone and after I stop in which an inner voice said to me “no one that you ever loved who has passed from this earth is really gone very far from you, they are always in your heart and you in their’s” a few tears fell then.
Earlier while I was having lunch in the food hall at our local centre I was watching parents and children together seeing the likenesses between them and thinking how we are part of each parent that lives on, forward into the future, with all kinds of issue and tasks bequeathed to us. We have so little control over being brought into this world (though some say we chose it) I am not so sure I believe that any more. But I do believe that in some way we carry a karmic destiny onward from our ancestors and part of our spiritual journey involves becoming more aware of how that happens. What are the wounds we may have to our inner child, due to our parent’s woundedness? What are the gifts we have received? For it seems to me there are all kinds of combinations of dark and light.
For myself I have learned more about myself through examining the lives of my parents. I am aware of a connection I feel to their pasts, that perhaps other children might not feel as powerfully. I feel I may be even carrying a karmic burden or task forward with the Moon conjunct Saturn, planet of karma and with both my parents having the Sun Saturn which speaks of a loss or absence of the masculine or father archetype in their lives from a younger age. More aloneness and separations have seemed to dog my life than the lives of my siblings. I was once told that being born before a new moon means that you have a lot of short intense relationships that tend to pass away, moments where you meet people you are perhaps destined to meet. At this time of years my thoughts turn to past partners as I went through powerful experiences of loss in some aspect over the Christmas/New Year period in years gone by and so this time of year is fraught with the memories of severings.
I am trying to find ways to bind back together with my family at this time, instead of retreating all the time, but at the same time I find that its in solitude that I really get to feel the depth of my soul journey. The connections we have to family only tell one part of the story, for the times comes to branch out and leave the family behind, something I have tried to do so many times. But I guess until we do the work with the inner family when we leave we take it all with us anyway.
I am really looking forward to receiving and book in a few weeks called The Power of Presence which I have been reading up on, on Amazon for a few months now. The author provides a way of accessing the power of the present as it evokes the past within our hearts, minds, body and soul for healing. The book has got some very good reviews from those who in using the breath work have been able to come to deeper insights about past patterns and present triggers. I felt that the powerful reaction I had to a friend not turning up the other week was charged with so much from the past that I really need to deal with as this pattern of being left or abandoned in some way tends to repeat and apparently that is what happens to us until we do the healing work to address the pattern.
For now I am drawing great comfort from my alone time, but I am also feeling freer to go out and connect too.. I am not as paralysed in inaction as I have been over the past 11 years since my last major accident. I can see real signs of progress and feel the universe is calling me forward in some way.
Soon the Sun will make its annual conjunction or meeting with the planet of transformation, authenticity and depth in the sign of Capricorn while squaring the planet of awakening and freedom Uranus, so we will be seeing the end of one cycle and the last quarter phase of the later. Its a time to dig deep. To stay engaged in reality and to build on what we have learned during the last cycle. At least that is what I am feeling today.
When we hit the first of January we may like to think of the God Janus whose two faces observe both past and look ahead to the future. We need to stay grounded in the present in order to awaken to and become receptive to what has been buried. If we can deal with this in some way through processing the past we are in a better position to move forward in a real and embodied way. We may have many losses to face and much pain to heal before we find faith and trust in the present and the future. More than this at the moment I cannot say, but with Jasper sleeping soundly at my feet and dappled sunlight falling all around me I am going to sign off from cyber land for today and spend some time in the simplicity of now with my dog.