For the last two mornings I have parked my car under the shade of the beautiful soft leaves of the trees that line the little gravel parking place opposite the Manuka swimming pool. The pool is a heritage place from long years ago and it looks out towards a beautiful park where Jasper and I have been walking the past few mornings early. Connecting in this way with nature is soothing for us both, we get exercise, we touch base with greenery on a hot summer morning and we make discoveries. For example this morning we found a lovely little painted nesting box resting in the branches of a gorgeous willow tree. Loneliness can come up more on these kinds of walks than it does if we go to the dog park, but at the same time the walking and connecting is a way I touch base with my higher power.
Today after returning to the car as it was growing hotter we sat in the shade of the leaves and watched as parents and children arrived hand in hand to go swimming after the pool opened at 10 am.
If there is one thing that triggers my Inner Child’s pain it is seeing the little hand of a child being held by the strong hand of a loving father. I think of the protective nurturing that can speak of and today a flood of grief awakened. Dad was always too busy to take me to any swimming pool, I had to always go alone on my bike. And as the tears fell the thought came to me, Dad had no father to take him to any swimming pool either, he couldn’t give me what he never got.
Thinking about it this opened up a deep sadness but a powerful truth as well, my wound over what I didn’t get is real. It wont ever totally go away, I will always have to carry it, in many ways it is ancestral and so amongst the list of things I can not change and am totally powerless over. The only power I have is in treating the wound with wisdom and unconditional acceptance and friendliness and taking steps to keep my focus on the things that can ease that kind of pain. Having it heard tenderly then letting it go in some way by offering myself what I didn’t get or looking for those who can.
After I returned home, contemplating this today I had this question form in my mind. “Do we decided to turn towards pain or away from it?” In some circles to say we are turning towards pain may be considered masochistic. Many people out there tell us to turn away from pain, to deny it or resist it. But isn’t there a way of turning towards our pain and being with it, in such a way that we are opened and learn to extract its wisdom without remaining stuck within pain recycling it over and over and over again? Yes the pain is real but in treating our pain gently we can extract a lesson in how we most want to live and love so that the pain doesn’t just continue to be passed on over and over and over and over again.
After going for our morning coffee my phone rang. It was Mum calling me to see how I was today. I told her about my swimming pool experience, I was saying how I had the realisation that neither her or Dad had fathers present to take them to swimming pools. Then Mum shared this with me.
“When I went to the pool the older boys used to push me in the deep end. It is one of the reasons I am still so scared of water. I never leaned to swim.”
I had an ah ha moment on several levels. With her Saturn in Scorpio which rules deep water and emotional depths she had to erect a defence on some level, there was no gently presence there to assist her to learn to swim through the water or her deeper feelings. In many ways she was left alone with them. And that wound repeated in my life.
I also though of the bullying I was subjected to by my next door neighbour when I was only six and of the fear that I now have of men a lot of the time. Mum was able to connect with my Dad and have a loving relationship, but the relationship did not rest around nurturing us emotionally, it rested on achieving, getting things done, keeping things tidy and putting painful feelings under wraps.
So much is become clear to me now about so many things (and for the astrologically minded my planet of wounding and healing, Chiron is placed in the water sign of Pisces which rules emotional, ancestral depths and Mars is passing over this at present).
This afternoon my sister wants me to go over and swim with her in the pool at my mother’s house. I still have fears around my sister. She is able to support me when I feel emotional, but keeps so many of her own deep feelings under wraps. Like Mum she has that painful Saturn in Scorpio too, the sign of someone who feels deeply but often erects defences against showing those deeper emotions due to a fear of humiliation or vulnerability. It is a kind of narcissist wound I think.
I reflected a lot on fear as I drove into my driveway today. I thought about the need I often have in a crowd to keep my distance and remain separate, at least until I can suss out the defences and characters of others. I am hyper aware of being hurt or saying the wrong thing and can often fear that I say not enough, or sometimes say too much. Its a form of hyper-vigilance, I guess. Here in my blog I find a safe space to express it. I find a place to reflect both on my own feelings and reactions as well as those of others.
I think of the swimming pool on some level as a powerful metaphor for the emotional depths that we all carry and have different feelings about, reactions to and ways of dealing with. Today just sitting quietly outside the swimming pool with Jasper under the shade of the trees I learned so much. That experience opened me to connect with my Mum and learn more about her. I also learned some things about my brother too. He was breast stroke champion and was bullied a little by the other boys who thought it was a sissy form of swimming. Gosh humans are complex. There is so much we don’t know about each other. There is so much to learn if we just keep our eyes and ears and hearts and minds open.
And it seems to me that in many ways that through being with the depth of my Pisces wound today I was opened up to a less self centred view. There are so many forces we are subject to in life and wisdom can and does come in time for those of us who are willing to open the door to the depths of the swimming pool inside us that rests at the base of our open heart, the heart through which we connect to our soul and to the deep soul of others.