I am very grateful to the books of David Richo, a psychotherapist whose work I came across 10 years ago in an English bookstore. At the moment I am re-reading When the Past is Present : Healing the Emotional Wounds That Sabotage Our Relationships. He has written many books but this one has a lot of great information about how to work through deep wounds to the Inner Child and Inner Self we can carry into adulthood.
One of the central ideas that David repeats in many of his books is that in order to recover a good relationship with our true inner self we need to be shown or learn how to show ourselves the Five ‘A’s that we needed in childhood in order to grow and blossom but so often did not get. The Five ‘A’s are as follows
The sixth ‘A’ I might add is affection.
David explains how we can use these five ways of being receptive to the whole of us, even our dark side, in order to work through all of our feelings surrounding losses, disappointments, regrets, grief and other wounds.
Today I found myself deep in old regret. The following paragraphs helped me to find ways to deal with the feelings I was having rather than just run away. I am sharing his ideas here in the hope they may help others.
Both regret and disappointment are forms of grief. We can learn to greet them with an unconditional ‘Yes’. Then our acceptance leads to handling them so they don’t impinge too long upon our happiness.
Regret is repeated grief. Regrets become helpful when we cease trying to rid ourselves of them. Instead we make a place for them in the context of the five ‘A’s. We notice them, we accept them, appreciate what they mean, still love ourselves as we are, and allow ourselves to go on with life without being held back by them.
In regret, as in guilt, we feel bad about feeling bad. When regret comes to mind, as we recall our past mistakes and poor judgements, we can acknowledge them as passports to humility, ego deflation and useful learning. When they are experienced in the context of acceptance of the given that we all err, they are not so hard to take. We can say yes to them and thereby to our ever falling, ever rising selves. If we and the world had been meant to be perfect, our central human archetype would not be the heroic journey and our world would not be based on evolution.
The third century Christian theologian Origen proposed the beautiful concept of apocatastasis, that all beings will be converted and saved at the end of time, even the damned, even the demons. For him, hell is not eternal; only divine love is. So all that happens can be redeemed, ultimately used for our good. This can be a metaphor for all the things we have done that we are ashamed of and now regret, They can all be “saved”, that is, included in our positive image of ourselves as errant beings who keep finding ways to get back on track.
These words have a softening effect, don’t they? I feel soothed myself just reading them. And on one level even while typing is I was aware that mistakes themselves might not even be only mistakes, but learning experiences. WE may in the words of songster Seal “need to get things wrong, to get them right”.
In the next paragraph David Richo makes the important point that if in childhood we lacked a positive or adequate hold environment we would have learned better how to be less critical and judgement of ourselves and of others.
In childhood caring parents noticed our disappointments with them and the world and they helped us name them. They held us in a warm embrace as we wept. They did not criticise us for what we felt, but listened to us and accepted our experience. They appreciated and valued us enough to love us just as we were. We seek relationships now that offer all that. We no longer need a mother when we are adults, but we always need motherly moments and fatherly moments, too. What are such moments? They are the times when we are held in the five ‘A’s. These are also the very moments in which we learn to give the five ‘A’s to others. The result is intimacy with all its comfort and challenge.
Is anyone out there triggered by the above into grief, knowing that is the very thing you did not get often in childhood? I know I am. If I blame myself now isn’t it just a re-enactment of the way I was blamed or criticised or shamed in childhood. Isn’t my inability to hold myself adequately now, just a reflection of what I did not learn? It now appears to me that in order to grow I need to learn most how to self soothe in this way. I now need to learn to hold and comfort my own sore spots and look for those who can and will do the same.
9 thoughts on “Giving ourselves the Five ‘A’s to deal with wounds, regret and disappointment”
This is a very touching post. I’ll have to look up that writer ❤ I hope you cope ok emotionally with the festive season. I’m thinking of you Deborah 😊😘
He really is very nourishing to read, Summer. I have had the most painful day today, have been totally immobilised and very depressed. It just came out of nowhere today. I am sure I am not the only one. Thank you so much for your thoughts. I hope you are surrounded by the love of your children and hubby. Big hug ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m struggling myself Hun. I’m so sorry 😞❤❤❤
Very soothing post Deborah! Thank you! Self-soothing is so important..This weekend will pass and on Monday we will be relieved Christmas is over. Hubby and I decided on not getting a tree this year..We have just kept the house the same as always..Just some fairy lights and that’s it..We don’t want to force Christmas if it doesn’t feel comfortable for us. Hugs to you xxxx
Reblogged this on Emerging From The Dark Night and commented:
I wrote this a while ago and its good to revisit these ideas again. In our healing journey we can learn to give ourselves what we missed in childhood. Hope it has something for new followers. ❤
For many years I completely resisted the idea of group therapy. I was looking for one on one. But during one of my “cracker factory” stays it was required that we get together and work together, as a group. My turn came and the staff person told me to imagine myself as the child that was so abused and isolated etc. sitting on the floor in the middle of the group. “What is she doing?” I was asked.
“:Well she’s crying and frightened” I replied. Then I was asked what I would do if I came across any small child crying and afraid. I said I would comfort that child and try to assuage her fears. SO…that is exactly what was suggested I do for”my” child. It was quite cathartic and so began my Journey of reconnecting and LOVING and offering Safety to that small girl!! She is beginning to Trust again~ even trusting Me!! I have stopped shutting her out and running from her. I had thought doing so it was my only way to survive. And by doing so abandoned her!! She felt betrayed yet again!! Shew!!
Excellent post! Thanks for sharing again!!
I truly believe that is when the real healing starts when we find that little one and really listen. Margaret Paul’s concept of Inner Bonding helped me in a similar way to connect, I love the sound of your experience thought and I am glad you had it in a group. Groups are hard for many of us from difficult families but when our real self and inner child is exposed and loved for herself then we become real and can start the long journey of tuning in to mother her and support her. Thank so much for sharing that with me here. xox