Raging will block necessary grieving

The following excerpt from The Journey from Abandonment to Healing really spoke to me today.  It talks of the necessity of accepting painful realities that affected us deeply and grieving as opposed to railing against the experience and staying locked in defensive rage:

The ability to accept and face reality on its own terms is crucial to abandonment recovery.  For many, it is one of the greatest challenges.   Some do anything to avoid accepting situations they don’t want or like.  They act as if by protesting it, they can make it go away.  We all know people who rankle over something they can’t control.  They act as if keeping up the fight will wear reality down.  They wear themselves out beating their heads against a stone wall and sometimes wear out their welcome with otherwise supportive friends.

Facing reality means accepting the loss and the grief that goes along with it.  Railing against it is a futile attempt to fend off the loss.  In the long run, this strategy can’t work.  There will always come a day of reckoning when you must take stock of what happened and give your loss.

Indeed, abandonment has placed you at an important crossroads.  You can choose to fight the things you don’t like, or you can face facts.  The reality you face today isn’t permanent.  Reality is continually changing.  But it is up to you to take charge of it and move it forward.

I think then we recognise the deep letting go that in taking us into deep grief also sets us free.  This afternoon at the local bookstore I came across a poem by Hafiz in which he spoke of the gentle rain that in falling nurtures and grows the green field.  This letting go, sadness, grieving process can not be avoided forever.  It is the one process that will in time allow us to face reality and heal and help us to grow into fuller flowers than we could have been while we stayed trapped in rage and non acceptance.

10 thoughts on “Raging will block necessary grieving

      1. Most definitely..
        it’s really something learned
        And you are on your way…
        good job 👏..

        Don’t be one ☝️ of those that get lost and stuck and can’t find your back.
        Learn how to move beyond it.. and realize that life still goes on. And you can’t undo what’s done ✅… you just have to accept and adjust… and try again…

      2. I do understand..
        just keep in mind that you are totally in control of your emotions….
        and only what you allow yourself to feel.. you are gonna feel…
        so just keep trying to take full control of you and your emotions.. and apply where necessary…

      3. I don’t think I entirely agree with that because old emotions we haven’t processed nor understood the depth of can be buried and it may take some time to unearth them. In time I think we can become more conscious of our response to those emotions. If you are a highly sensitive person you tend to feel things more deeply, its been proven by research.

      4. Agreed. I’m one of those very sensitive person…
        And I have gone through a lot of sad emotions..

        What I’m telling you is just something I have learnt while I locked my self away willing the world 🌎 to go back.. making it right and back to like it was..

        And yes .. we have to suppressed those feelings.. and buried them. So we can move on..
        we are not going to forget them. And they will surfaced from time to time..
        But if we take control of our emotions… we will learn to deal with it.. because we will not allow ourselves to be taken over with it anymore..

        I hope I’m making sense..
        if not I do understand… we all have our way of dealing with situations and you will eventually come up with your system and what works for you

      5. Yes thanks for sharing that. This is something I just read that expresses what I was saying about the initial loss or lack of control that comes when we have undergone early trauma or bad abandonment trauma : “if children had early separation traumas their amygdalas are primed to look for signs of impending break up which lowers their thresholds for rejection.” We then react out of that unconsciously in the ways that earlier post of mine detailed. It takes time to get a handle on this, its a process and not all manage it. 🙂

      6. Also if you were not soothed as a baby by touch and other things it does affect the way your CNS is wired. Its been proven by lots of research and then you will tend to look for way to soothe that may be damaging or you may seem to be over reacting but really you never learned another way.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s