I wish I could remember how to upload You Tube videos today. I am so tired with PTSD and not taking care of myself properly I cant but there is an Australian Band from the 80s who had a great song Down hearted. It speaks of broken dreams that never really started. My dreams occur but then get dashed on the harsh rocks of real life. I live with hope of certain things occurring. I know if I follow AA philosophy I have to accept life on life’s terms. There is just no other way to peace for me. And that means I grieve and mourn and let the pain out somehow or somewhere. Its just that two sessions of therapy at the moment aren’t enough.
I got let down by my brother the day before yesterday. He did turn up but he reneged on his promise to take me out somewhere, changed his plans, asked me to drive him to the hospital and then after a short time said he had to be a fucking meeting which meant I drove him six kilometres there and went back to the hospital as I didn’t feel I had had long enough with my Mum who had had a really tough day. Maybe I just should have been taking care of myself instead of saying yes. I called him yesterday in a lot of pain and took the risk to be vulnerable about how hard his comings and goings which are so brief are. He is the closest connection to my dead father I will ever have and at this time of year he always makes himself scarce. He just brushed it off with the suggestion that I need to be an adult (or maybe he defended, who knows?). I had two killer days with nosebleeds leading up to and after this, yesterday was horrendous. Added to that a friend I called earlier in the week who said she would call back hasn’t. Another friend I had really been there for said he would offer me support. I texted him yesterday and haven’t heard back. It FUCKING HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!
I probably shouldn’t be sitting here now reliving the pain of it all but at the same time I needed to get really, really angry about it yesterday with my therapist. I blame myself on the back of these abandonments or look for what I have done wrong. The truth is when I am in wise mind is probably nothing, my hurtful judging mind tears me to pieces in the wake of such abandonments. I had a shit load of this yesterday and was back in deep suicidal territory.
I hate to say it but I feel I have to go even more limited contact with my brother from now on. My heart just isn’t up for being hurt by him or any other members of his family most particularly his son who lives five minutes away and didn’t even have the decency to approach me and say sorry when my oldest sister died. Anyway I JUST HAVE TO LET IT GO!!! I don’t want to sit here being a victim and gossiping about him. I’d rather just let go in love.
I was having another conversation with a friend in recovery the other day and she said doing her own work of grieving has meant having to stand pretty much alone, apart from the work with her therapist. Sadly I would have been there for her but our relationship broke due some very nasty thing she said to me over an outburst of anger six years ago. I was discussing it with my therapist this week because issues about need were skirted around in the earlier conversation and what came back is how its not a good thing to need, far better to be self sufficient emotionally. My therapist just raised her eyes. “We all need emotionally, Deborah”, I know that this is the human, sane response not one tinged by avoidance due to being so badly burned, injured or scared and scarred by relating.
I am aware that its not my brother’s job to caretake me, but I do wish he could spend more time and be emotionally present, the problem is that if he did spend more time I wouldn’t enjoy it as he doesn’t operate on an emotional level. He is not a bad person just a business person and designer, that is his whole life everything else just gets skirted over. I need to accept that this is the way he is and look in other direction for male friendship and I also have to keep growing my own inner masculine inside me.
I had dream last night in which a toy pizza snake with a person inside was trying to abuse me. I was kicking out at it in the dream. I had asked for suggestion as to what pizza topping was good. I was recommended something but one of the ingredients was fish which I didn’t want. This is a humour take on when reaching out in a vulnerable way because we aren’t entirely sure what we need can end up with things smelling a bit fishy. These days I need my nose to sniff out the truth. I needed to kick back in the dream and need to learn how to do it real life, too. I need to learn its okay to say no and erect better boundaries. Often I don’t want to do this as I don’t want to break the connection with the person but this isn’t good if it costs me.
Anyway I will take my broken heart out into the park today and the sunshine. I had a lovely day at the park two days ago and there is where I find people who have some time to connect emotionally. I also hate the days when my dog suffers a bit due to me not being able to get out with him. I want to make it up to him today. Sad to say he is the most constant loving presence in my life at present, the one who is there physically. That really undoes me at times. I do feel dogs are like little godforces in our live. So just for today I will thank dog/god for that.