I always thought that being alone was the ideal and certainly there are times its okay to be alone but I am waking up on some level to the fact that I have just been alone SOOOO much for years that it has been a terribly painful thing. There have been times when support was offered to me, but I could not trust the support and much of my needing to be alone has been due to the sheer essential necessity of self protection, far better to be alone than to be with others who hurt you, let you down or just don’t get you. Then I had accidents when I didn’t accept my need to be with people following the ending of my marriage which came on the back of me resisting support or fearing it.
At the moment I feel the aching in my body to be with people. To be in a place where I can connect. Its seems this being left or forced to be alone theme is such a deeply ancestral one when I consider it. At the moment when certain degrees in my astrology ancestors charts get triggered and at the time of critical migration with Thomas Matts Trudgeon (my great, great grandfather) left his home in Cornwall with his wife Eliza Jane and four children I get to experience these deep ancestral themes that have outplayed most especially in the life of my oldest sister who died a few years ago and had those same degrees in her own chart connected to the time of migration for her own GG Grandfather.
I had a longing to go to see my nephews (her sons) just over a few months ago. In the end the trip got cancelled. I got scared and I didn’t know how safe I would be. Mum decided it wasn’t the best time to go north with her legs prone to swelling and we called the trip off, but talking about it with my therapist yesterday I see that I have been feeling more depressed since we made the decision not to go. Mum then got really sick a few days out from making the decision and we have all regressed again in some way. It may actually be a necessary regression, though. A regression in terms of healing and bringing to consciousness something quiet deep.
We are in the anniversary of my Dad’s illness and death and my sister’s breast cancer last year. I have been the one crying. Today my brother is visiting and we are going to the hospital together to see Mum. I am so happy about this. I rarely see my brother and often feel a great distance from him but I opened up deeply to Mum the other day and feel this is going to be a meeting in which I can open up, or at least speak my truth with them. And I feel there is a re-connection that is trying to happen at a time when the big disconnect started to happen for my family with my father’s death leading up to the anniversary of my oldest sister’s stroke.
I will keep you posted. Its just lovely though for me to begin to be able to feel the true needs of my heart free of the barricades of so much fear and defensiveness today. The sun is out and I feel hope after some very dark days and two nights of bad nosebleeds. I felt it was as though my life blood was screaming out from my heart, Deb don’t keep me trapped and locked up inside any more, let me feel love, let me give love. Set me free. Today I am listening. I hope my hope does not get harshly dashed on the rocks of reality, but you know what, if it does I can and will cope. That I know for sure.