I went so down deep into my abandonment trauma yesterday, and at the time was not able to gain any kind of clarity at all. All the trauma imprints were piercing me to the spot and my body channels were liquid fire/ice pinning me in place. All of my energy left me entirely for the whole day. I was feeling an emptiness, tiredness and a lethargy way beyond one distinct event, it was the entire weight of past trauma history bearing down on me like a leaden weight from which I felt I would and could never get up at again.
I just surrendered to it last night. I went to bed early and slept in two brackets of time, four hours sleep, two hours awake reviewing the history of 22 or more years, seeing things I could not see before. I was so dehydrated and thirsty, and then I slept for three hours.
In two days it is my sobriety birthday. I mark it from the first meeting I went to which was not the day I had my last drink, I think that was actually about five days before 6 of December. And I see myself in a kind of twelfth house phase during the month leading up to that date and maybe what comes up is the entire journey but through the minefield of recovery and sobriety, years of seeking consciousness but still being pulled on by so many unconscious patterns and influences that take years often to really become aware of. Its huge work to try and mend the split and heal from the defences our minds put in place that exist to protect us but must eventually be fully surrendered in order for us to make the descent into the emotional and deep psychological wilderness which I feel is far bigger than just one individual life and experience.
The darkness was with me again today. I finally managed to venture to the dog park with Jasper but my body was still weighted like lead and I found myself on the brink of tears. Later I went to the hospital to visit my Mum and then the floodgates just broke open. I don’t seem to have any skin at all at the moment absolutely no protective membrane to hold in the deep grief which I know is always around at this time of year leading up to Dad’s diagnosis and death anniversary in a month’s time. I know it took place over 30 years ago but the wound is still fresh at times and each year some kind of illness or injury tends to dog either my mother or one of my sisters (although my oldest sister now is passed over from the earth plane).
Today Mum gave me one of the greatest gifts she has ever given me. She just let me cry and she held my hand. She asked me if there was anything she or my brother or sister had done to hurt me. She asked me how she could help me. This was after asking me to see a doctor which I would not do. I don’t think most doctors fully understand the part grief can play and they would be trying to pathologise something that for me is just part of being a deeply feeling and sensitive individual.
In a way I feel I am the family carrier of the pain that has gone over generations. I know that it is part of the legacy of Saturn Moon. Have you heard the saying ‘the sins of the fathers will be visited upon the sons (or daughters) for seven generations?’ Well Saturn relates to 7 at 7 Mum lost her father with her own Sun Mercury Saturn that was at the first square of Saturn to its natal place. There has been a history of either mother or father loss in the first 20 years of life across several generations in my family.
There has been history of migration and separation and there is a replay of this theme that occurred in my own life, but most potently about three times I have either moved away or come back around Christmas and seen relationships break as a result. Its a separation time for me and it bloody well cuts like a knife and yes I have actually physically bled on one Christmas, nosebleeds for three days and on another a sinus operation (I think the bleeding occurred the year following that sinus operation year which should never have taken place as my sinus was all due to grief and bl0cked feeling anyway and I was left entirely alone 0ver Christmas following it.)
Most surely I am not the only one in pain at this difficult time of year. I know the healing comes in honouring the feelings and making space to feel and be quiet but also attempt to reach out and engage too. This is the very worst time of year to remain isolated for any of us with trauma history. So I am encouraging others to share their feelings here if you need to. M0st certainly we must find ways not to suffer alone. The things we have gone through and the pain of the past can be intense so we need most especially to extend and have extended to us that loving hand of friendship and empathy. For it truly is the only thing that can bridge the chasm of separation which keeps us imprisoned and alone at a time of year which commercialism can rob all deeper meaning from and which can be so very, very traumatic and painful for those of us who are separated from loved ones or have been cast out of the flock as family scapegoats. My wish for those who find themselves alone is to find someone somewhere to share and care.