At times I feel a deep separation from others and even at times from myself..my heart seems to be waking up to the schism that can lie between my head and heart somewhere between these two is intuition which can open in me but most especially in the quiet stillness of early morning, dusk and evening I feel the world of spiritual connection that lies beneath more fully accessible. In this space it is timeless I am connected to past in the present the past flow or chain of events which previously worked their way out unconsciously in my life or the lives of my family working its way to bring me here to this present moment.
Lately I am feeling I have a destiny, but it is not separate to the destiny of my ancestors. Others dont seem to have this same connection and preoccupation but I feel we can not just rely on the present we need to see its connection in time to the past.we are continually working to reclaim land from the sea but at times we also need to swim and get lost in that ocean, the flood that for a time can drown out waking consciousness but returns us back to this present moment awakened to something deeper we may not have fully understood before the flood occured.
Perhaps our ancestors are the sea we rose out of. We were once a cell formed from the cells of two people formed in the cells of two people themselves, once you think about it we are continually arising from this ocean of cells forming our own identity in some way. Some of us carry the unresolved issues of a parent or a grandparent or a great grandparent which can then play out unconsciously. We may interconnect with others who are in some way connected to our ancestors over time, at least this has been my understanding as I have observed my own family and the themes that have played out over 5 generations. Themes of leaving for a new place after loss, illness or death took someone loved, leading to a disconnection, more loss, separation. That sadness then went underground and in my own family became addiction, all the feelings and sadness unexpressed followed by distancing and emotiinal cutoff forced into the unconscious and then repeating.
I guess really this is the flow of life unfurling in the absence of awareness, and yet we can face and embrace and grow in awareness through recognising deeper feelings and truths, this is what I see as my destiny and within it all an individual soul is cryi g out suffering, learning, seeking awareness, growth, wisdom, healing, understanding. Can I bind back again the torn fragments and learn to find and give love in the midst of it? No longer be so swallowed up or drowned?
If I wish for one thing it is this. I wish we would embrace thise who are suffering most especially when addictions are covering uncoscios pain. In truth in recovery we have to face the uncoscious loss or fear of fully feeling, we often found ourselves in situations where there was no understanding and nowhere to turn and then addiction worsens and we cannot grow and learn more about what really drives us.
Im not sure if this makes sense, it is just that at the moment I am waking up to how my entire life has been a playing out of unconscious forces coalescing in my own life and the lives of my ancestors. Knowing the astrological cycles I can track the key themes around the wheel of the year, in this process I know myself to be part of something far larger than one separate, discreet individual life and my recovery I now begin to see as part of a far larger pattern driven by forces that I need to understand so I can cooperate and also find freedom within from criticism, judgement and self blame that rises from an incomplete understanding of the true reality of things.
Within this I am sensing lies a far deeper destiny which involves feeling love and knowing that every single thing that has occured in my life has a reason and purpose. I am part of something so large, so special, so mysterious and so powerful playing out over time. Thoughts of separation I have often lie or belie deeper truths, what matters most is to be connected inwardly and to know that separation and pain are part of life and feeling them rather than acting out the pain unconsciously and erecti g devences against it is the only way I can find freedom, serenity and peace. Today I am really feeling that as Chiron planet of wounding and healing begins to move forward after its backward movement over critical ancestral degrees.