I won’t let fear and anxiety stop me living

I have had an anxious weekend.  I am very anxious when a member of my family is suffering.  Despite the fact I have difficulties with my family at times, when they are suffering, most especially my mother it seems to cut through the heart of my life and body.  I am working as hard as I can to detach at the moment because the anxiety I feel when I concentrate on the pain my mother is currently in does really painful things to my body and as some of you may know who follow my blog in the past I have often put my life on hold to be there for people in my family, I did not feel that I had a right to be happy and be living my life if someone I love is in pain.  It doesn’t seem to matter that often the pain is a result of their own choices that were totally outside of my control, I still try to find the way I can help.  But at the same time I am now beginning to see that if I don’t want the rest of my life to end up swallowed up by other’s pain and difficulties I really need to put the focus on my own life, without surrendering to guilt feelings or inner self talk that tells me I am being selfish.

The pain my mother is now in comes out of her own co-dependency.  She tends to overextend herself in the same way that I can also overextend myself, taking on too much in her compassion and empathy for others.  The other day I actually started to feel really, really angry with my mother for this but after some contemplation I saw that as much as the anger has a purpose and a place getting stuck in it long term is detrimental for my own physical and emotional health.  I have to take steps in any day to detach. I show my care and love by taking her food, calling her on the phone to see how she is and let her know I love her but more than that I cannot do.  I do not have the power to take away her pain.  I am just not that powerful much as I might feel if only I could say or do the right thing I could make it better.

I am also angry because on some level I feel some of her pain is emotional pain gone onto a bodily level.  I wish she could have let herself feel the pain that comes up at this time of year on an emotional level instead of barricading from it,  I feel if she could allow herself to do this her pain would lessen.  It seems to be stronger too when she is alone.  I may be right or wrong about this.  I am not sure.

I try to feel my own pain when I am in it.  I try not to immediately lean on pain relief.  If there is something I need to learn from my pain I need to face that.  If I feel sad, I need to cry.  If I feel angry, I need to let myself feel it so I can know what is up.  Same thing for my fear.  This morning I awoke drenched in hyper-vigilance anxiety.  Those of you who suffer from it will know what I mean.  I still have an itchy pinching feeling all across my back from the anxiety I am feeling and I had a talking to with myself this morning about how often in our society we no longer call fear, fear we label it anxiety.  I know that I don’t have a choice that these feelings exist as they tell me something and occur because I am human, sensitive and subject to worry, but I do have a choice with what I say to myself about them and how I take care of myself in the midst of them.  I can learn to identify them and name them and then ask myself what I need to take care of myself in the midst of the feelings so that I don’t drown in or get swallowed alive by them.

I recognise this morning that my thoughts were starting to drive fear into an anxiety state.  I am feeling calmer now due to writing this and making the decision to get on with my day rather than stay still paralysed in fear and anxiety.  I know if I share about it I will feel better.  I will start to have externalised it.  I no longer want to stay trapped and paralysed in a painful place.  I need to know what I can and cant change.  I will always be a deeply caring person but I also know now that I need to at times put boundaries around the extent of how much I care for others to make sure I take care of me in the midst of it.

At the same time I need to keep reaching out and know that due to being sensitive and caring I can and do pick up on others emotions.  I may  feel them at times in a way they cannot at the time due to barricades or defences.  I may get a sense of them and then the work is to realise I cannot take the feeling on as mine but I can and do recognise it as part of being human  Having gone through much pain and suffering myself and I can do identify and will for the rest of my life.


Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

Categories Accepting Emotions, Anxiety, Attachment, Co dependency, Fear, Mother Issues, UncategorizedLeave a comment

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