Depth of painful realisation to day as I begin to see how my own wounded or undeveloped places have hurt or hindered others. There is a pain in finding it difficult to connect emotionally and feel safe with others when we were not really connected to when young.
I remember even as a youngster wanting to keep a part of myself separate. I was the youngest in a far older dominating family so it’s probably natural I felt this way to some degree but I do feel part of the wariness was also due to my oldest sister leaving home when I was 3. When she met her dark haired partner I remember feeling overwhelmed and scared. Of him? For her? Not entirely sure which.
In the end he left her at her darkest time and the shock and pain of that reverberated for years. Our entire family was severed her 4 sons scattered to the winds, we only really started to reconnect and try to make sense of it all about 12 years ago and the earlier events happened over 30 years ago.
Today alot of pain is coming up, following our decision not to go north to see 3 of the boys at a time of anniversary loss my mother’s back has gone out completely. The doctor expects it may be a small fracture in one of the vertebrae. I know it seems crazy but Im sharing that I feel scared it all happened due to the fact we pulled the pin on the trip.
Either that or it feels like some powerful force seems to prevent us reconnecting ot at least connecting on the earth plane, for while writing this it occurred to me that we are still connected at far deeper levels than we know and the love we feel can be felt and sensed.
I cried so much today hearing Mum in pain and knowing a hope of a happy pain free time has disappeared again. The sadness I feel is an outgrowth of love and such a deep longing. I feel all the times my fear has kept me disconnected and isolated. I was seeking self protection but also it was true that what my soul needed could not be found or given in certain places. Still would have been enough to be there with respect for other’s defences and limitations, noticing what they could give.
I keep thinking of how Uranus placed in the first house of my birthchart speaks of this separation and of the shock and counterwise turning away from relationship and towards the deep self, but now I dont want to be alone and isolated all the time. I am finding depths of forgiveness for my father especially with some of the choices he made that didnt honour relationship enough. He was blind and when the shocks began to hit he couldn’t survive the realisation and was taken..This is an ancestral theme on both sides of my family the father going absent via migration in an attempt to reach for a larger life and coming unstuck.
The other night in a dream I watched from afar as a man chased a woman who was running toward the ocean. She chose to throw herself in. I was on a steep steep hill far above. I remember thinking it would be so scary and difficult to make that descent to help. This dream speaks alot to me. A part of me dtowns without connection and somehow I need to leave the heights of observation in order to meet others at the coalface, the place where life with all its raw danger, pain and opportunity evolves. The cost of holding myself back us becoming too high to pay. Or otherwise its a message that my vusion into the true nature of things keeps me apart of necessity and may be a gift I can use to help others. I am not sure which.