Some things can’t always be forgiven

Some injuries and abuse are so bad, I believe it is both cruel and unrealistic to even suggest they be forgiven and forgotten totally.  Some pain caused us by evil unconscious people is so deep, it can take years to come terms with.  We live in a quick fix superficial society that espouses the idea that we always move onwards and upwards, but what if healing actually requires we move backwards and downwards, later to rise or emerge with more of our soul in tact for having embraced the depths, gaining resilience from our attempts to fully own, embrace and embody our legitimate anger, fear and pain without denying or minimising it in the face of someone’s invalidation and platitudes?

I moved away from A A meetings many years ago after being told anger was one of the seven deadly sins.  This just didn’t sit well with me, for anger is really a cry from deep within that something unjust, cruel or diminishing has been done to us.  A hallmark of a dysfunctional childhood is not being allowed our true feeling instinctual responses, nor our legitimate protest, and being shamed for them.  The result is the development of what John Bradshaw and others have called ‘shame bound feelings’.  Shame bound feeling become difficult to embrace or accept and we often turn them within creating real problems later in life.  Without legitimate anger we cannot know our boundaries nor self protect when needed.  We lose power, become sad or depressed and disempowered, we may legitimise or minimise abuse.

To be told we can only fully move on or heal when we forgive is just not true.  In some cases we have to firmly and resolutely shut the door on damage.  We will never come to a time or place where the hurt is fully gone but in time with work and courage to face our true responses I do believe many hurts lessen and we become strong in the formerly broken places.  Our hurt contains a message for us we just must listen to.

There are times in healing we find ourselves back in hell.  Times when we feel so heavy we do not know if we can face another day, days when ending it all seems the only solution to ease the pain, but my firm experience is if we just stay with these dark days and fully bear the weight and truth in time we can and do emerge again with more of our soul available.  We can and do emerge from the fire of felt anger burned clean.  We do emerge from feelings of sadness cleansed.  We can emerge from the painful yet liberating dark night experience of this process with more of our light and spirit available to us.

We may then and only then be ready to let go of certain things, if that is what our soul requires for further healing and growth.

7 thoughts on “Some things can’t always be forgiven

  1. Great post!! For me healing moved forward when I learned to forgive and have compassion for myself for believing the lies they told my soul. Im not sure why I would ever forgive them.
    I also understand that mine is not the popular view.

  2. Wow 😳!!! That was really deep..
    and only one that lived such horrendous experiences can really explain the real depth and anguish that comes with it on a daily basis…
    Some are so mar and damaged that the scars a reminder and is embedded so deep it’s relived over and over again..,
    And getting past it.. is not as as easy as one might think…

    It takes great strength and courage to overcome it.. but we are so beaten down that even that kind of strength is hard to find..
    but keep on trying…

    1. True…its about finding a way to move forward from the burden of it…there is a difference between forgiving and moving on and the later takes time…unique for everyone..saying “this affected me deeply but I wont allow it to crush me or fully define me”. Thanks for your response. ♡

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s