I know I need to accept what I am feeling on any day and probably should use another title for this blog. I am aware there is an underground sadness at this time of year leading up to my sobriety birthday and Christmas. Today I got up after a very deep sleep and was getting active with the house bringing my life together in a way that brings some sunshine and light to my day. I needed to call my mother to check confusion over something and she informed me that my brother is in town, just for the day. “He’s been trying to get onto you.” WTF another fucking confusion, my phone shows absolutely no missed calls from my brother and this happens all the time. The upshot is he is in town for the day and wants to meet with us all before he leaves for his annual Christmas jaunt to America. He can meet us for one hour at lunch time, which doesn’t really suit me, I have therapy this afternoon and a lot to do today.
When I told my Mum, I could sense she was disappointed with me and I came off the phone feeling bad. I just wish he would not do this. One… I wish he could be more sensitive and give us a little more notice. This is the way he is, I hear everything second hand when he does visit and apart from that this is a hard time of year with memories of Dad. Its manageable but still my brother going away EVERY SINGLE CHRISTMAS or having an independent Christmas just around the corner with his whole family to which we are not invited hurts, as it brings home I have no father, no emotionally connected brother and few male friends. Admittedly though when I reason this out, would I really want to go, they lead a very superficially life focused on material acquisition and looking good?
I am going to try and stay positive here. My brother is entitled to live his own life as he wishes. He doesn’t have to invite us anywhere. But it still brings up a lot of pain. The other positive thing is I have recently made a new male friend in sobriety who I can share with and who also goes through this kind of sadness at Christmas as do so many other people in the world so that means I wont be feeling the suicidal depression I have felt at this time of year in other years. But I still feel a bit sad and have been crying.
I know if I go to see my brother today (rearranging all my other plans) it will be very superficial visit. I still want to feel love for my brother, I still do feel love for my brother. I just don’t feel connected to him when we are together. I connect to this past pain, to his inner child who is buried down deep. I don’t think he is a nasty or horrible person at all, in fact I think he is a lovely person who tries his best, he just isn’t very conscious. He isn’t at all aware how sensitive this time of year is for his two sisters and mother, and I wonder is it narcissistic of me to expect that he should understand or care? I know he does care but its difficult. Just this conversation with my Mum this morning which went for less than 5 minutes has led to me feeling mixed up confused and crying. my thoughts and ideas were racing this way and that so I sat down to write this blog.
Luckily the sun is out today. Jasper and I will head out into the fresh morning to a park full of gorgeous smells and dappled sunlight. Here I will try to concentrate on the love I feel for my brother rather than the anger I feel with him at times. For me its the best way to manage my feelings. I’m not ignoring or suppressing them, I am just trying to take care of myself. Will I put my deeper feelings aside and just turn up to see my brother, cause I want to show love rather than stay trapped in my own hurt? Or will I respect my deeper feelings and need to take care of myself, even if that seems mean to my Mum or brother? I don’t know the answer, yet. I just know that whatever happens I will be okay. I have the power to feel my feelings now and not come totally undone.