I felt very sad today thinking of the opportunities that fear has stolen from me at times. I know somewhere and can no longer deny that I may have lived a larger life if my fear of people and self expression had not dogged me for years. At times I have felt its not really possible to live the full truth and extent of who I am in a world that doesn’t really get it or may even dismiss parts of me that I find very precious and important and yet what kind of excuse is that. Its even hard for me a times to post what I write because the self censor says its rubbish. It may be, who knows, but my rubbish may be gold to someone else.
Watching a fellow blogger’s video today on Borderline Personality Disorder also made me cry. It is so hard to feel so alone in the world, with a dark vision of life which others want to pathologise, especially if we have been through painful, dark, abusive, shaming experiences, many of which may even be blocked or preverbal, we carry this with us and its a silent pain, threat, fear and darkness inside of us that is screaming for light which we tend to project on the present in order to find a relationship with in some way. Preoccupation with dark thoughts of pain and fear of meeting similar misunderstanding abuse or mistreatment darkens the days of those with BPD and these fears are based in truth at some level, at least they were at some time in the past.
I was thinking how sensitive children can become a toxic dumping ground for the muck of sick or unhealthy parents. No child chooses to be born (although this is not what spiritual people say), they say we chose this pain as souls and perhaps on some level this gives power to the fact that it is possible to witness and transform it, but that journey takes a lot of work, empathy and support as well as deep self insight and not everyone who suffers is lucky enough to have these things, and that makes me really very sad. And for a victim to told they chose abuse is a very dangerous thing. The feeling that they somehow brought it upon themselves makes their torment much, much worse and fucks with their sense of righteous outrage or anger which has lessons for them in healing and owning their power to recover and send the shit back where it belongs.
Often, too, it comes down to a temperamental misfit between parent and child. If an extremely sensitive, gifted child is born to parents who are more material or literally minded and emotionally shut down it makes it difficult for the child to really be received, fostered, nurtured and grow into the exotic unique being they may be. And so the beauty in them gets twisted inside in dark and wordless ways, that lie beyond reasoning or they get stunted and misformed by trying to twist themselves into a different shape or towards a reality that does not suit their own needs.
I get a bit triggered myself at times by what I would call as an astrology minded person intense, compulsive, obsessive Plutonian darkness. The inward turned focus on pain which can become a form of self flagellation or masochism in the individual (and I have lived there myself) can be difficult to watch and frightens me too. And yet this may also be an expression of that person’s unique soul, spirit or journey in this life. So who am I to judge?
I see and know where my own fear and projections have at times kept me prisoner. Where my focus on the dark didn’t permit me to see the light at the time, but all the time that darkness was calling for the light of awareness and acceptance in order to be wondered about and known on some level. And so part of me celebrates when a unique soul slapped with a BPD label tries to find ways to express the raw truth of what it means to live in that kind of personal hell which so many of us know or have known, struggle to know or don’t have a fucking clue about and view with repugnance.
And in the end I guess the bottom line is empathy. The capacity to open our hearts to a dark reality without splitting off labelling, rejecting, judging, criticising something that may scare or frighten. There is a bible saying I do like “perfect love casts our fear”. Who among us is perfect? We all know fear at some level, but the healing happens when we find a place to shine the light and love of understanding on this dark place of fear and embrace the raw, dark, painful beauty of our own and another’s suffering with empathy.