I awoke this morning to clear skies, but on the horizon I see from the window of my bedroom dark storm clouds were looming. They were not enough to bring a feeling of darkness to my heart though, as they used to, for inside I was feeling light. The light I was feeling was the light of truth that seems to be dawning into my past and my life, the light of wisdom, understanding, empathy and compassion for myself. I put on my favourite Eva Cassidy CD and stood by the open door feeling the freshness of the breeze, the nurturing cool softness of the leaves of my tulip tree passed its blessing onto me while I thought of my dead sister as I do whenever I play Eva’s song Who Knows Where the Time Goes.
I shed a few tears but they felt soft and nurturing to me. It was if my grief was still there but it was no longer drowning me as it used to. The following words came to me as I pottered around and got breakfast.
There will come a time
When I wear this grief
Like a blanket or an overcoat
Rather than a heavy straitjacket
Tears that I have shed
In dark pain
And bitter regret
Will have softened
The hard stony ground
On which they fell
To sprout seeds of
And I will know the blessing
Of a heart
That has excavated
The field of love
I then opened my email to read a blog of someone I follow who sharing about her own empowerment, how she is learning to express her feelings and needs. It made me feel a little raw, to be honest. I was comparing myself and seeing that although I am making progress I am still not as empowered as that in my life. My relentless Inner Critic then raised his head to make some comments and my spirit got a little dampened.
But then after eating my breakfast I had this thought you know, Deb love really is all around us, just like Richard Curtis says in the opening lines of his film Love Actually. It is just that its presence can get obscured, lost or buried. For me love is still around me in my pain and grief, in fact its in my longing to feel this love and the pain over its seeming absence that I know love actually is all around me and drives the universe.
I don’t know how much sense this will make to anyone else. I guess what I am really beginning to feel is love for myself, after the long hard journey out of emotional neglect and despair in which I have suffered a lot of wounds. In learning about how my needs were not met and the pain I suffered I have been able to make tentative steps to grow and change and share my own experience with others. Last night I could show real support to a friend who is struggling with similar issues and is in a bit of a wasteland experience at present. I was happy to be there, because I love recovery and I want to share what I have learned as others have shared what they have lived and learned (and that includes all you lovelies out there on WordPress) who have the courage to bear your honest, naked, raw souls. In that sharing I sense deeply all the love that wants to express itself and live on this amazing planet.
Really how blessed are we, people? It seems to me so many of us are on a journey out of this wilderness place of grief, loss, suffering and so many of us are finding ourselves at critical watershed times of transformation. We really do have the power to heal and love ourselves and others, despite the hurt and hatred and fear that constantly challenges our impulse to love on this planet. Lets feel and express our love and show tenderness to the fear that dogging the hearts of others tries to drive a wedge between us and love.