I wrote this post a few weeks back. I am posting some older posts today. So many of my posts don’t see the light of day and during this dark of moon time I am having a clear out and releasing things that have been locked down or need to be set free:
I have reading a bit about nurturing and its importance in our lives today. I have been reflecting on my own broken attachments and my difficulty with bonding and connecting which I have shared about in other posts here.
Yesterday at an AA meeting I met someone with very similar issues. We were unpacking some of our related parenting issues, issues of control and neglect which led us to fear connecting and reaching out to others. I was brave enough to ask for the person’s number but not brave enough to call it today. I was interested to listen to the voices that came up in my head when I felt the need to reach out and I am going to share them here as I am sure other suffer just as I do.
This is what I heard
Come on, be strong, you can’t go reaching out to others with your fears and upsets, it will just burden them. They are in recovery too and you need to rely on yourself and not ask something of them they may need themselves. You musn’t overwhelm them.
Interesting, huh? There may be some truth in this. I need to be mindful of boundaries and I don’t want to move into a weak position. I had a bit of fear that I may have overstated my vulnerability and fears yesterday, or is it the inner critic/protector today trying to keep me safe and is terrified of actually connecting on a real and intimate level? I am not sure, possibly a bit of both.
I then went on to read a chapter in a book on empathy which I shared in a post just then and there is a sentence which talks of how bonding can be established by the way that a mother looks into the eyes of the baby she is nursing. I was thinking how my dog looks into my eyes all the time, most particularly when we are coming home from the park and he may be aware that following that I often leave him home alone and go out for a coffee or to other appointments. At times I imagine his eyes are pleading with my soul not to leave him.
It appears to me that this could all be projection or transference of my own childhood. My parents often left me in the car when we were on holidays at the coast house while they went into the club drinking. I now hate being left waiting for too long in the car, but sometimes Jasper comes to the shops with me and waits in the car for me. I do suffer guilty feelings at these times. I never leave him for very long, though and he usually loves to rest and sleep in the car.
Anyway that is not the original idea that I was going to write about when I sat down to write this blog a moment ago, I was thinking of how at times I have not felt seen, or have felt forgotten or missed on some level. I have also been scared of being seen into too deeply. I have memories of my older sister who is now dead, often she would sit and just look deeply into my eyes with a very penetrating gaze. At times it would freak me out. When I would ask her why she was looking at me so deeply she would say to me “I am just drinking you in.”
I am aware that spending a lot of time alone means I am not being seen by anyone but Jasper and when I am alone the seeing I am doing is into my insides rather into those of others. I am concerned lately that I turned away at times and became so deeply self preoccupied that I failed to connect when I could and should, but reading this sentence back I remember I could only do what I was capable of the time. In retrospect I see all the ways that might have been better to have gone about things, but with my own limitations this was not possible.
I am also questioning a lot how authentic I truly am in all situations. It seems being forced into a lonely position often means that relationships are sacrificed and if our authentic selves were not really allowed expression in the past we tend to fit in where we can just to get some small amount of some kind of connection (at least that is what I am seeing that I do). Today I am feeling a huge world weariness, a weariness with self and with my ways of coping and trying to live up to, at times impossible standards.
I am also trying to be more self disciplined. Today it was wet and cold and so difficult to contemplate getting out with Jasper, but at around 3 pm I forced myself out to walk by the lake and to the dog park. While there, concerned that J hasn’t been getting enough exercise I threw the ball around and then ended up hitting myself in the head a contraption on the end of the lead that carries the doggie bag roll. It really hurt and I found myself crying as I’ve had three major head injuries in my life. Luckily we were alone. I just put my head in my hands and wept, by the time we made it back to the car a dark lump had developed over my right eyebrow. I just did all my mindfulness practice. The lump hurt a lot but there were other parts of my head that felt okay. But hitting myself really stopped me in my tracks. It made me wonder if I haven’t been overdoing it, I am usually accident prone anyway, but over the past few days I have lost my car keys as well and then hitting my head with something on my own body seems to be a signal to me that I am not being fully present and that some underground trauma is rattling away deep inside.
Too tired to make dinner tonight. I’m just feeling exhausted. I am seeing where I overdo things and I do this more when I get split off from myself. I am worried about Jasper not having enough exercise. Reflecting on this the other day when my body was in distress I was called to read the following reading in one of my Al Anon books and immediately that I read it, tears started flowing out spontaneously. It was about a lonely child from a traumatised childhood who learned to dissociated and disconnect through books.
Additionally I have been reflecting on the part good eye contact plays as one part of communication. When someone averts their eyes or disrupts our flow of communication mid sentence, I tend to get distressed. There are things we see, too that are unspoken and some things we see may not be real but a figment of our imagination or a reflection of other things, issues, experiences and processes taking place in us rather than in the other person.