I had a dream very close to the time of waking up today. I was with a psychiatrist and she had diagnosed me with anger issues and she had said that categorically the only thing to help was a certain medication. It is the medication that both my sister’s have been on and that contributed much to my eldest sister’s death. I was so angry in the dream but I didn’t act it out in a rage, I bit into the lid of the bottle and stood up to the therapist and then I woke up.
I lay there as I do for a while and thought about the last few days and most especially yesterday. I had received a lot of messages from my nephew’s wife about how he has been drinking a lot and lying about it and about how she is going to make sure he gets sorted by getting him to therapy and AA and if he doesn’t she is going to leave. Oh and she is also going to organise for him to have brain scans. The last one really got my back up!!!
They have just been through about the 20th round of IVF. I really feel that they should have stopped this line of action quiet a long way back. I know its none of my business but I do also know there are factors there that I feel have influenced a lack of pregnancy and isn’t all down to my nephew by any means but he is now being blamed in a way for things not working out because he has been drinking. I don’t buy it.
I know my niece in law is angry, sad and grieving. But when I speak to her she is fine, its just my nephew who has all the problems. Fair cop, he has a load of anguish, trauma and pain. He lost his Mum two years ago after a horrific life. He was the one to find her when she collapsed from an aneurysm when he was only 12. He was the one abandoned by his Dad who left he and his other brother to fend for themselves at the age of 14. He was the one who pulled himself up, got different jobs and put himself through business school with his partners help. But through out all of these years who has been there to hear about his past pain and help him with his repressed anguish and grief? I see him being pushed to live a certain lifestyle that is driven by someone else’s agenda.
And there is deeper ancestral subtext here relating back to our maternal ancestral Great Great Grandfather and his wife who lost two baby girls due to the immigration from Cornwall in 1874. I could not help but think about that this morning as I lay there. That my sister carried GG Grandad’s ancestral trauma herself and replayed it and now this particular portion of lack of a child was being played out by my nephew and his partner all these years later. There are so many astrological correspondences here too between the chart of my nephew and his Great Great Great Grandfather, Thomas.
The fact is so much of the pain and trauma we cop is not just about us. It is about themes repeating and replaying unconsciously across generations. I feel angry that in some way my nephew is being made a scapegoat for something that is far larger than him. I hate seeing him stuck at the hands of a controlling wife who doesn’t have a deep enough awareness to see deeper than her loss.
On Sunday I tried to say I thought that both of them needed to have therapy to deal with a loss that is affecting them both. Its not enough for just one partner to go into therapy if they are carrying issues and acting them out unconsciously for both parties. This is truly what I believe.
Drinking is only a symptom of a much deeper wound. Its a way of trying to cope. It is often used by deeply sensitive and in touch people who feel and carry wounds that others don’t. Drinking isn’t the best way to cope but sometimes its the only way we find when we are isolated and admitting it is a problem takes time. This is my take on things and I think it is why all the anger came up in that dream this morning.
And even though my inner critic is saying “don’t post this” and I feel scared to , I am going to, whether or not it is understood. I need to get it out.