I had a tumultuous night last night..its been a tumultuous life really, as I look back. Trauma took me down at 17 smashed up on the side of the road with a blue car crushed around me, flung forward on to the dash my legs cut, bones broken, lung punctured bleeding phlegm into my chest, paramedics behind me trying to give me oxygen as I struggled to breath with searing pain all through me. Pluto pushed a hand up into the common day and pulled me down to the Underworld…love was around me but the busy world went on and I was no longer a part of it, my innocence and sense of safety ruptured.
More to follow, the shock later of my sister’s cerebral bleed as she went under too. How my parents must have struggled, not three months gone out from nightly vigils to see me they were at her bedside constantly as she lay in a coma from which they were told she would never emerge. This wasnt what was meant to be in the dream of an immigrant Dad struggling to rise above the hardship and emotional loss of his past. But was, in some way, a reality breaking through trying to get his attention.
My sister saw it in a so called ‘psychosis’ in the aftermath of abandonment that followed for her and tried to call it, but no one saw she wasnt crazy but a prophet, gone down hard her illusiomary conditioning pierced in a deep way, trauma and undoing made her see differently. And the world could not see as she did, but I did. The freight train moved on…. more wreckage and then the stomach rot within my Father appeared…and with his death the golden world and years of happy affluence turned grey..each of us lost in the fog but me most especially.
Today I feel the electric buzz of this all around and within me, the sizzling valency of PTSD hum burning through my tissues and energy body like wildfire screaming gently….stay awake now and hold yourself gently and skillfully between the worlds of consciousness and unconscious… stay open to emerging insights … keep you safe boundary from those who don’t really understand your own process, let alone their deeper one. Recognise how deeply you struggled to grieve, to contain, to build and love within a wreckage unnavigated..see clearly how those who bullied you had only such a superficial understanding of the task bequeathed to you and how big it was and is to contain and live with, with emotional honesty.
Dont reach for simplistic answers and formulas, a quick way to pack away something that came to undo and refashion you in this alchemy of healing. Stay true to your path, but reach out too, in a world that is forever trying to cut you down to shapes and sizes that don’t fit and project its own hidden image or conflicts onto you. Be you, be true, and stay present in the at times painful and creative electric inbetween where infinity and the finite, past and present meet, bridging Under and over worlds, deepening into soul and grounding and fashioning that emerging pearl of self within the ocean of today as grit of this transformative trauma and new insight emerging reveals new truths and does its work with you.