I have shared in other blogs how difficult I can find it to hold onto my own reality, especially when faced with others whose will is strong and whose ideas seem so certain. I am not so comfortable with certainty. I would like to know I am certain in my beliefs of what is good for and nourishes me but of other things I am aware there are all shades of grey and that we all have our particular take on experiences. You have never walked my path and had my exact same experiences, we may share a lot in common and can relate from that place but in my experience sooner or later, and most often with those I get involved with the tables can turn and they can subtly start to tell me there is something wrong with me and the way I go about things.
This is now a red flag for me. I am not a person who tries to change others views. I am happy to share from my own perspective of what works for me but I have no idea if that is right for you, if you like what I say and it resonates for you, or points out something you felt before but could not articulate that is wonderful, but outside of my control.
This week I opened the door to someone. There was a lot of powerful mixed feeling stirred up by pain from ways I have been invalidated in the past, and not seen. There was also a lot of powerful longing due to past experiences with my Dad to be seen and understood by this person. I feel the person did get aspects of me and was attracted to my intelligence and depth, but today when we spoke I felt the tables turn subtly as he started to point out what he thought I should be doing and was not. It was said with care and love but something in it felt like I had been missed on some level. I was not sure if my defences of self protection were best kept in place.
Sharing about it this afternoon with my therapist we got to the basis of why I was feeling spun around and a degree of grief. I had flown towards longing and hope and had been disappointed on some level. Last night at the AA meeting I went to the reading and topic was on expectation and disappointment, most especially how we react when frustrated, thwarted or disappointed. A lot of people there shared one of their major lessons was with letting things go when disappointed, recognising the hope was fruitless or the expectation unrealistic. This made me wonder how much current expectation can carry the ghost imprint of past disappointments in crucial relationships which we are re-visiting maybe to gain deeper insight, heal and change our reaction to a response.
A key part of this for me is in recognising my longing and my hope, in recognising that it is in no way certain that this will be fulfilled and that on one level I do need to hold back for a time in relationships in order to develop an understanding of where the other person is at and make sure I will not get caught up once again in the replaying of an old pattern. I did not do this in my most recent past relationship and I got badly burned.
I also need to trust the signals from my body when my head or heart can get confused. I believe my body will tell me things by its responses. Today when a wave of grief came up after my interaction with this person was over I got down on the ground to hear myself more clearly. I heard an inner voice saying loud and clearly trust yourself. I felt how I was subtly being made wrong by this person and that I was starting to turn against myself, thus the grief and confusion.
Part of co-dependency that arises out of neglectful parenting is that we lose touch with our own insides and goodness. We learn to distrust our deeper selves and then give away our power. Healing requires we no longer emotionally abandon ourselves as were abandoned in the past. That we hold our own hand and find inner wisdom and answers along the path for ourselves out of our pain and our hard won experience. This is the major insight that I came to from today’s experience.