I awoke today to find a comment on my blog about the difficulty of weaving together the challenges of the path of parenting together with the inner journey of soul, the need to explore deeply, centre in self and do the inner work of healing. It must be a huge challenge to suffer from depression and anxiety and be a parent as well, I am sure there are so many parents out there suffering and attempting to grow and heal.
I know my own mother suffered depression following a hysterectomy when I was only about 4 or 5. I had a dream at the time where she turned into a wicked witch. My Mum suffered from some aggressive and frustrated moods and was a bit of a cleanliness freak, this was inculcated into her by a childhood of emotional absence and due to being raised by a mother whose husband (my Mum’s father had died when she was very young) was not present. My grandmother had to work doing cleaning morning and night to support her little daughter and was never there when Mum woke up or when she had to go to bed. It was a sad and lonely childhood for my Mum.
She also underwent other abandonment abuse at the hands of the Nuns at the school she was sent to.
Anyway following the hysterectomy my Mum has told me she did go into a depression and as a young child I picked up on the psychic atmosphere.
I myself chose not to become a parent. I did fall pregnant in early sobriety (this was just one of 6 pregnancies I did not bring to term) but at that stage I was newly sober and my marriage had a few cracks, I just did not feel I had enough to give as a mother at that stage in my life. Sadly I never fell pregnant again.I was sad that I had a termination, very sad for my husband who wanted children. but I also know I acted in what I felt were the best interests of the unborn child.
After reading this comment I was aware that raising a child is a soulful matter. The young soul of that child is given to you to love and care for, and as a mother there is the need to develop yourself and your soul, and from what I have read and understand through sharing with other parents is that in our children’s childhood, our inner child is present too. If there have been wounds and losses they are there, perhaps affecting our attachment style and most definitely our reactions to parenting and our children.
If we are choosing emotional recovery then the huge task becomes how to balance both our inner journey and outer responsibilities, for we need to live in the world too, even as introverts and finding a way to do that while staying true to our soul is a big challenge and requires a rebalancing and subtle recalibrating on a day to day basis.
I just sat down to do a little meditation after reading the comment and as often happens I get told by an inner voice to check out a certain reading in one of my daily meditation books. Today it was November 23 that came up and it is freakily related to what was on my mind just before sitting down to meditate.
This meditation speaks of weaving together the two worlds of time. I am sharing it here.
I recognise that there are two concepts of time. There is earth time by which I structure my day and by which society operates, that is tied to three dimensions of space, time and circumstance and there is timeless time, or that state of simple beingness. Though I operate by earth time, I need not get stuck there. I always have access to another level of time through the quiet and stillness within me. Each day I will allow myself to be with timeless time.
I will spend time in eternity
I guess that this place of timeless time is what Eckhardt Tolle talks about when he speaks of being fully present in timeless time. When we are present on an inner level though and touch that place of eternity there is no separation between past and present. We can access so many associations to our past, moments in time when key things occurred for our soul.
It is my experience that when I open up to timeless time and the soul within I learn so much, that place interfaces and connects with 3D time in powerful ways. I can notice the interconnections and deepen my experience of what it means to be a timeless soul, living through this present time with all the responsibilities that entails. When I touch this liminal or inbetween space, I often have realisations that are very powerful. They literally vibrate with numinosity and when I have them I can gain great insight into my inner world and the outer world too. The challenge is to find some moments in my day to touch base with this place and use it to bring healing and power to present time which enables my daily responsibilities to feel like a blessing rather than a curse.