Part of everything

I seem to be tapping into a very deep level of connection and connectedness lately.  Deep feelings seem to just be rising up and flooding the landscape of my being but not in a way that is overwhelming, rather in a way that is washing away barricades in my heart.  It just occurred to me as I put finger to keyboard that Venus has passed into Scorpio recently and will soon cross over my natal Neptune in the third house.  Scorpio shows where we desire to connect deeply, Neptune is the energy through which we experience a loosening of boundaries between ourselves  and the universe.

My sister who passed way just over 2 years ago has felt very, very close to me recently and I am making attempts too to connect to my living sister with whom I have had a difficult relationship at times.  This all feels like deep Scorpio territory, I am feeling the longing to connect that at times I have erected powerful defences against due to past hurts and misunderstandings.

Today I met my sister in town for lunch and then on coming home I took Jasper to the park.  We  have been having torrential rain here over the past 36 hours and everything has been washed clean, the rich colours of the earth, pine needles and grass were shining so intensely. I had a sense of the present moment being SO present and to me, I was in touch with it.  Those who do not suffer with PTSD will not understand how rare these kind of moments can be.

It is interesting to me that at that exact moment deep fear came up, as my sister and I had been talking about breast cancer and the group of survivors she is involved with had several people they know diagnosed recently with secondary cancers.  Apparently when the secondaries come and the cancer spreads to other organs or places in the body then the cancer is always terminal.  I had a deep fear that this could happen to me.

At the exact same moment I heard an inner voice saying to me, ‘Don’t worry, part of you will never die, you will just change form  and you will become then a part of everything.”  I had an even deeper realisation that this is, in fact, true.  I would still be so sad to leave this earth though and that is a big thing to say for someone who has had a lot of suicidal depression over the years.

It is hard to put into words the realisations that are opening up in me, the sense of connectedness I am feeling to all of my feelings, and the forgiveness I have been feeling in my heart lately as well as the gratitude for even the painful times.  I am also so grateful for the fact that these days I can grieve deeply and then when those feelings have passed I actually feel a joy and peace that I have never really known before.

I am so grateful for the slow dusky evenings that are extending out as spring slowly arrives, for the beautiful songs I am listening to, for time spent sitting stroking my dog and for the gift of his unfailing presence in my life, for the ability to make a dinner of beautiful ingredients provided by the earth, and for the gift of blogs and books to read which connect me to the lives of others and their experiences, thoughts, struggles, fears, successes, insights and learning.  These things help me to understand how much we share and how no experience we go through is wrong or foreign or meaningless.  Each experience and every experience and emotion has an important place or part to play in this vast, complex and rich tapestry of human life.  And I feel grateful most of all that I can feel this deep gratitude, that the feelings of anger and resentment I carried for so long are now being washed clean, or burned in the fire that I feel in my body when grieving is doing its work.

This current transformation seems a kind of miracle to me and makes me believe that acceptance is finally deepening for me.  I feel that my body has opened to enough pain and released enough defences now to enable the true soul within me to shine through and fully inhabit my body once more.  My soul is no longer in exile and somewhere deep within me I know without a doubt that I am connected, that I am loved and that I belong.