Being a me no longer lost in you

I have been reflecting on my role in relationships as it has developed in my life, and its fitting due to the fact that the Sun is now transiting the sign associated with relationship, Libra.  I have a loaded seventh house in mychart, My Sun Venus Mercury Jupiter and South Node are there, that indicates a strong pull for self expression in and through relationships.

Where the Sun is placed in our personal birth chart is where our focus of self is positioned most fundamentally for self expression and meaning and with the Seventh House strong (which is naturally a Libra ruled house, although in my case the sign Aquarius rules the cusp or domain of the seventh house) I am pulled towards relationships a lot.  My natural tendency has been to seek outside of myself, within relationship to find myself.  As a consequence I have spent a lot of my life thinking about others and their impact on me and at times this has led to pain as my Sun is square to Neptune which can indicate a tendency to get lost or blurred in my boundaries and to have a hard time finding a separate sense of self in relationships with strong individuals who tend to be quiet overpowering.

As a child growing up in a much older family my focus was pulled away from myself a lot and there was a slowly growing sense of differentness and separation that grew as the worlds of those around me increasingly did not really reflect my own inner world.   I began to spend a lot of time alone as I was left alone a lot and then a lot of trauma hit and I was literally overloaded physically and emotionally, from my late teens onward I really struggled.

This contrary balance is shown by a strong archetypal influence of two of the most potent astrological planets representing individuality (Uranus) and transformation through deep experiences (Pluto) in my first house of identity and Self along with the North Node in Leo which represents a quest to become centred more deeply within my own heart, individual identity and spontaneous self expression.  But these two influences placed here also show that shock, trauma and loss will play a huge part in the unfolding of this identity into the world, so it was with me.  In truth the shocks and traumas of the ages 17 to 23 had such a huge impact on me, a deeply underground impact (Pluto) which has reverberated throughout the following 31 years of my life.

It is only really in the past few years that I feel I have begun to centre myself more deeply in the first house and begin to understand the impact of the big outer three Uranus, Neptune and Pluto.  I have also had to work through a lot of pain that relationships have caused me in my life due to the planet of wounding and healing Chiron also being placed in my seventh house in opposition to Pluto in the first.  I got sober and put down my addiction when transiting Chiron opposed itself and transited my Pluto.  This showed me that dealing with and healing from my addiction would be the spiritual work of my life, the embarkation on a night sea journey of depth prefigured by a powerful dream that I had a year or so before I got sober in 1993.

At my Chiron return (which is a critical transit that occurs for all of us around the age of 50 we often find ourselves meeting up with the deep wound that has dogged us in our lives) I hit a very important critical point.  Often at the Chiron Return we are called upon a healing quest, often through some dramatic crisis or loss which can force us inward to our soul.

I have shared another blog that Chiron is both wounded and healer.  He is the archetype of wounded healer.   The wound Chiron suffers never truly heals but is the place of birthing wisdom, and the pain encountered here is the way into a deeper connection with our humanity, for it is through embracing and encountering our own personal pain (which has collective resonances) that we develop compassion and empathy for others.  For many of this can mean that the chance to understand and feel and embrace the pain that can lead us onto a new pathway, it may even lead us to our soul quest or calling.

Often the roadblocks we hit up to our Chiron return maybe showing us we need to change our direction or at least call the energy of our soul back from pathways which don’t feed us, but at the same time we need to understand if there is repetitive theme that is playing out that has lessons for us about our past relationships and our sense of self.  When I witness other people’s journeys I see these themes playing out too.

I am now beginning to see my own pattern for getting lost in relationships.  I tend to open quickly to people but often the people I open to are very self focused in their lives.  In the past I have been pulled in and what can then happen is that I feel myself getting a restless, irritated energy inside,  this I now see is the call not to lose my boundary, to hold onto me and my own life focus.  This does not mean that I cannot relate or spend time in relationships, only that the focus of my attention and love needs to remain centred in self care in these relationships so that I do not over-extend my own boundaries or get so sucked in due to my empathic nature (shown by the strong Neptune influence).  That empathy can soon become counterproductive with Chiron in Pisces in the seventh house, if I fail to put boundaries around it.

I have read an interpretation of the North Node in the first house with the South Node in the seventh that says people born with it have lifetimes of having lost themselves in relationships. I am not entirely sure that this interpretation is whole accurate.  What if instead we who are born with this were raised by others who had to put their own needs aside to be self sacrificing and taught us to do the same?  What if we were inculcated with conditioning messages that it is selfish to care for and love ourselves?

In the end I guess it doesn’t fully matter why we inherit this pattern,  what is important (at least for me to remember) is that I don’t gain much when self sacrifice and the power of other’s needs, want and will is allowed to eclipse or dominate my own needs, concerns and interests.  I need to listen to my body for the signs of when I am getting too drawn into others dramas and be strong in making a break or cutting a retreat back to my own life and world which is where the focus of my care love and concern now needs to reside.  I got critical lessons about this in my last serious relationship which ended on my Chiron return five years ago and I have been revisiting it a lot with my family and others over the past few years.

I am seeing this clearly today.  It is as though a bright light has come on for me.  I see all the times I got lost and the deep wound of longing that pulled me towards others in hopes of healing a wound in me it was never their responsibility to heal.  My wounds were and are real but they are also the places where wisdom is birthed and through feeling them and entering them I have found poetry, healing, tears, joy, pain, ecstasy (at times) and deep love.  In tending them and covering them over in a gentle way, only lifting the bandaid when I am in the right place to dress the wound myself or with healing others I provide for myself the service of healing.  This is better than exposing a wound to others who cannot and will not care for it or whose own wounds my own wound may aggravate.  Having this kind of discriminative sensitivity may be making the very best of all that Neptune and Pisces energy in my chart.

By keeping the focus on me and my own life I also do not contribute to the wound that I feel when others ignore my needs consistently (a wound left from childhood and past relationships).  It is up to me to set the boundary and recognise when my own soul is calling me home to my centre, to the deep heart in me, the place where I feel least alone and most deeply connected.

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “Being a me no longer lost in you

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