Why can’t I just say No, without feeling like I am wrong?
It should be easy just to say. I don’t like this! It wasn’t for me.
But for some reason its really hard. I have the first gut based response to something and that seems pure and spontaneous and real and then I second, third and fourth guess myself into all the reasons why I should not have had that response, should make allowances or feel differently.
My therapist confronts me about this all of the time. She sees what I do. And she tells me straight out.
I am aware that a lot of it goes back to my Mum. I am not a Mum basher and I don’t want to sound like a blamer but often if I say something to my Mum she will tell me I need to look at, or feel about that thing in another way, a way different to the one that comes naturally to me. So this is the voice that I have planted firmly inside my own head, the one that shuts me down, the one that blames me, the one that tries to change things around from their natural state, the one that argues with me, tells me to see reason etc, etc, etc. And when I don’t listen to my inner voice and let those outer based now internally planted ‘not me’ voices gain ground I get so sad, twisted around, mixed up and lost.
On a positive note I am beginning to see how and feel how much better I feel when I am able to be the author of my own life and feelings. When I am free to pursue the things that turn me on. One of the things my Mum often has said to me is that there is something wrong with me for choosing to spend so much time alone. I am a natural introvert. I enjoy my own company. But this doesn’t mean that I don’t also enjoy the company of others. I love being around those who are open to life and can make me feel happy at times. They may be telling me a tale of woe but if they are being honest about how deeply sad they feel, that makes me really, really happy. Because they are being real. And I love real. I don’t do fake well.
One of the things I most like is a rainy day spent at home just writing. This is introvert’s paradise. Today after I returned in tears from the yoga class I didn’t enjoy I felt so sad that I had felt the need to have to get out when really I had had one of the best sleeps in ages and my body had felt as though it had really unwound and relaxed from all the jerking it often does on waking as a result of my emotional abandonment complex PTSD condition. My gut really wanted to take it slowly at home. My head told me I needed exercise. Look, it could have done me some good but I am much happier at home this afternoon. I really didn’t enjoy the class much. It was too disconnecting and yet I was able to reconnect even in the midst of that class and make the shift that was right for me. So maybe I should have headed this blog up. How I can!
I am beginning to clearly see how my body responds when I am in a situation that doesn’t resonate with my body’s core need at that moment. I get a tearing or a pulling which is my body’s way of trying to get my attention. And interestingly to me today, I got really sad when I went against what I now think my body was really trying to tell me to do.
Today’s experience has shown me how much my own head and my ever present ‘shoulding’ shaming inner critic can force me away from what feels good and nurturing for me. It’s almost like I am terrified of giving myself what I truly need and know can make me feel happy. What a painful legacy of an invalidating environment. It is one I really need and wish to leave behind.
I know I operate best in a place where I can be connected inwardly. And its much, much better when the inward connection isn’t broken by those voices out there telling me why I can’t just have and be and do what I want to make my life full and happy.